Outlook Bleak

Quote: "Man, when he does not grieve, hardly exists" -Antonia Porchia

The weather has gotten colder over the past few weeks since my last entry. I hate that I’m not writing as often as I used to be but more than that, I hate that I have so little to write about. I hate to say it but most of my nights have been spent inside catching up on my DVR, living vicariously through fictional characters and occasionally doing some homework.

I need to focus, it should be easy being that I have so few distractions but I am also inherrently lazy. It’s a curse really. I’ve found my dream school, talked to a few people in my major (Broadcasting) and felt a click. One of those "wow, this is exactly what I want to do," moments. I decided right there that I was going to work my ass off. I needed a 3.0 to be considered for the major and am currently at a 3.187, just making the cut. I was going to bring it higher, really kick ass, except then reality set in. I’m taking intro to Spanish and Geology, neither of which are coming easily to me. I’m praying I at least maintain my current average. I’ve got a goal. A potential transfer school, a major. I love knowing what I want, even if my fear of not getting it out weighs the excitement.

I came downstairs Tuesday morning to find my Dad on the couch, still wearing a T-shirt and pajama bottoms, talking into a cell phone. Eyes blood shot. Before my Mom told his mentally handicapped sister had passed away, I knew. He buried his oldest sister six months ago, almost to the day. In a way it’s a relief, she’s no longer suffering from the seizures and the fevers but I know how much it’s killing my dad.

It came right after I found out my ex girlfriend’s father died of a heart attack. I’ve talked to Danielle via text quite a few times since then, wishing there was more I could do. She’s got a new boyfriend now, a relatively new one who’s now in way over his head. I want to be there for her without being pushy or sending the wrong signals. Since we broke up over the summer I’ve been so careful, never initiating conversation or hanging out when she asked me to. I didn’t want to lead her on when I knew I was over her. Even at my lowest I was careful never to dial her number, knowing I’d left her for Kristina once and would do it again if the chance arose.

It puts me in a strange place. I want to be there, but only if she wants me to. This whole thing made me realize I do care about her, more than I’d thought even. I’m keeping in mind that there are much bigger things happening here than me and her, that this week will have a monumental effect on the rest of her life, whether I show up at her house offering a shoulder to cry on or not.

I’m going to have some drinks with a few old friends tonight. Give thanks for everything I have tommorrow. Go to work at 6 AM on Friday, leaving early to attend the wakes of those who died too soon, praying this will be my last funeral for a long time. As far as holiday weekends go, the outlook is bleak.