Come Around

Quote ":When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one’s self, and one always ends by deceiving others. That is what the world calls a romance." -Oscar Wilde

"I just can’t be the was I was"

The way she was a mere seven days ago.

She didn’t say goodbye before she left for school, but there were phone problems that led us to being incapable of contact. It’s her style, avoiding me before she ends it. She’s done it before. I feel like the biggest idiot in the world for believing this time was different. She said our timing was bad, we’d both just gotten out of long relationships and she was away at school and wouldn’t be coming home as often as she’d thought. She wasn’t ready for this.

"I feel like those things don’t matter if the feelings are there,"

It’s what I’d said and I stand by it. I still don’t really know what Kristina wants, if we were a summer thing or if we’re just on pause until she gets her shit together. I know I can’t picture wanting anyone else, as pathetic as it sounds. I had one of the most amazing summers of my life that consisted of parking lots, kissing in the rain, road tripping to Weird NJ destinations, acoustic songs and getting drunk in hot tubs all with her. I want more.

I’m even stupid enough to want to wait it out. Actually wait for her to come around, realize she made a mistake. Take her back. I don’t know why this girl has a hold on me. She’s not the first girl I’ve ever dated and far from the only but no matter what she is in my head. Letting go seems nearly impossible.

I can understand why it’s easy for her. She’s in a new place with new people. Me? Still living at home and attending community college though there is an end in sight. I’ve officially become a communications major and if all goes well I’ll be transferring within a year. I’ve denied the dream for far too long, now I just have to let go of all the qualms that come with going away.

Not much else is new. Aside from losing Kristina the first week of school as been filled with more of the same. Work and class. No adventures, those left when she did. My friends are off doing their own things, away at school or devoted to significant others. I need a change, I know that much. I’ve just never been any good at that sort of thing.