Second Guesses

Quote: "That man is prudent who neither hopes nor fears anything from the uncertain events of the future." -Anatole France

3 days until I head back for what should be my final year of county college. I’ve found a few schools I liked and am doing some serious research. Assuming I switch to Mass Communications/Media as my major its looking like I’ll be dorming. I desperately want to bring someone with me because I fear being completely alone. I don’t want to be stuck in a place where everyone is a stranger. That’s the kind of thing that makes me want to give in to my fear and pick a more simple major, one I could complete at a more local school while living at home. I’m not going to though, I need to do what’s best for me. Disregard all second guesses.

Meanwhile I’m sitting in my bedroom waiting for the phone to ring. Much like I was three weeks ago. Back when I had a girlfriend and didn’t know what a night with Kristina would bring. Although I’ve broken up with Danielle and began pursuing Kristina again things haven’t changed. Danielle is still texting me, asking me to hang out while I wait for Kristina to call. We’d been texting most of the day, hung out the night before, just like we had nearly every night the past few weeks. Now one text and one unanswered phone call later I am waiting for the call back.

I’m sure she’s just really busy. Driving home or maybe packing. She does leave for school on Monday. I can’t ignore my fear on this one though, see because a little over a year ago, this is how it started. She wouldn’t call me back immediately. Maybe cancel plans a little short notice. Next thing I knew, we were over and I spent an entire summer down in the dumps.

I’m waiting for it to happen again. Don’t get me wrong, every second I spend with her is just pure ecstacy. We wrestle in my bed, engage in tickle fights and talk about nearly everything. I have to fight to keep the constant smile off my face. But when she leaves I feel it. That growing fear that I said too much or did the wrong thing. Scared she won’t be back again.

I just want to be with her. I want her to tell me about her day while she scratches my back. I want it to always be as relaxed as it was a week ago when we drank in the hot tub, joking and making out. More than anything I want to trust her, feel secure, believe her feelings are as real and genuine as mine.

Uncertainty kills me.