Click vs Clash

Quote: "Since you cannot do good to all, you are to pay special attention to those who, by the accidents of time, or place, or circumstances, are brought into closer connection with you." -Augustine of Hippo

Since my last entry I’ve gone on a family vacation to Cape Cod. I’d planned to do a lot of thinking over the course of the four days that I would be spending there, only the four days flew by faster than I’d expected and once they were over I’d realized I was still in the exact same place I’d been before.

I had good reason to think, I’d been texting Kristina, the girl who’d shattered my heart into a million pieces just over over a year ago, regularly. I’d been attempting to hide this from my girlfriend, Danielle, who wouldn’t be happy were she to find out. Since she isn’t retarded, she found out about the texting at a party. Got annoyed which only led to me drunkenly introducing her as my "mean" girlfriend. In retrospect, the evening was funny, but not so much for her.

After spending another day texting her I lay on my bedroom floor, weighing my options. I felt and still do, like I need to hang out with her. Figure out if there’s a click or a spark. If there is, I need to confront it. FInd out where I stand. I need to know if I’m spending my days overthinking a one sided relationship. If that’s the case I can let go. For good. If not, well then there’s a whole other can of worms that have been opened. Bottom line, with Kristina, there was no closure. Just unanswered questions.

This was the plan. Confronting Kristina and my feelings. Then Danielle’s aunt died.

I held her hand at the wake yesterday, her free hand was playing with her hair, almost furiously. I’d noticed it before, when she was speaking to a friend, her hands moving, constantly grabbing at her hair or motioning in the air. They’d stopped moving so furiously, only for a second and I watched them shake before she began fingering her necklace. It was strange and sad watching her family greave. Seeing Danielle reduced to tears after going up to the casket. It made my chest heavy and I had to fight tears myself. Other people’s grief often upsets me just as much as my own. It’s terrible, really.

I’m there for her when I can be and though I don’t think she’s noticed, I’m holding back. A few nights before her aunt’s death we’d been kissing on my bed. Most of our clothing had been taken off, the covers pulled down. It was obvious what was to happen next but I kept pulling away. She was kissing me hard, almost desperately. Lots of tongue and head movement. I tried to change the pace my pecking her lips, softly, moving slowly but was constantly met with a furious tongue, her hands pushing my head in further.

I’d pulled away completely this time. We stared at eachother, confused before stopping completely. Choosing cuddling over sex only led to more discomfort as she attempted to put her head on my chest while I made a move to spoon. We weren’t clicking, no matter what we tried to do. I kissed her goodbye not long after, realizing things weren’t working.

But now I’m standing next to Danielle, trying to comfort her but scared to get too close. I fear her growing attachment will make our possible end that much worse and want to avoid strong feelings at all costs. I am now officially more confused than ever before.