Saturday Job

Guten abends mein kleinen Meerschweinschen! Wie gehts?

(Anybody who can speak Cherman and has noticed grammatical errors or spelling or syntax or anything else has no need to tell me. I don’t care that much, I was merely trying to add a continental flavour to my diary. I wonder what flavour a continent is…?)

Anyhoo… I’m working like all good little boys should! I’m selling nerd supplies just like I did in the olden days. I feel young and spry again! I am, on the otherhand, so hung over from cheap whiskey that I am considering sellingmy liver as a revolutionary new form of pickle. Alternatively I might just sell myself- I have to keep the money coming from somewhere!

My little house is currently looking like a cross between Dresden and Hiroshima due to an ongoing strike amongst the cleaning staff (me), the cook (still me), the waiter (me again) and the maid (Lady Arthur-Marie Haddockpang). I can’t be doing with all that house work malarcky- it detracts from my drinking and computering time!

I’m currently working on a get rich quick scheme to get around my get poverty-stricken at lightning quick scheme that I’m currently enjoying. I’m going to either write an award-winning novel, become a monk or sign up for working tax credits. All are equally viable so I’ll have to see which one I fancy. I might pull names out of a hat…….. I’ve just tried that and pulled out Mr Kevin Hatband-Moleclencher. That was of little help, but may I thank my Hatband-Moleclencher for the use of his name- God bless you and all who sail in you.

I’ve had a computer upgrade for christmas and I’m getting the internet at home next month and as such have hammered the final nail into the coffin of my social-life! Hurrah! I don’t care though as I enjoy wallowing in my own filth- literally. I have a filth trough in my lounge. It is important to wallow to maintain the airation of the swonnicles and to prevent grazing of the crumple-zone and blurzon.

Anyway, enough mental poison, I will allow you to run free in a way similar to Lassie, Black Beauty and Osama Bin Laden.

Tom, 1994 Haddock-Fondler of the Year