Oh no, I want(ed) you so…
What does it mean that I am always dreaming of a person I was friends with and had a massive crush on for over five years but no longer speak to? I drive passed his house every time I go into town, I try not to look and it’s silly when I do. His face the same, aged but just the same. He hasn’t changed a bit with the exception of his unsightly facial hair(goatee), fashion sense, and stretched earlobes. Am I just lonely? Is that why when I dream about him my heart sits in my stomach all day?
He’s married with a baby boy now, life is so surreal sometimes. I just talked to him some odd years ago, a frugal reconnection. I thought I would sweep him off his feet but I tried to push him away because I am insecure and afraid of rejection. I have always thought highly of him in deep secret and favored him beyond rational reason. He the only boy I ever thought to be genuine that I’d ever met. He gave me the positive attention I always needed but when we went off to high school I tried to hate him for some stupid ungodly reason. I tried to make him out to be like everyone else I’d ever despised but somehow he always made me swoon without trying. I always tried to give him the cold shoulder, I gave everyone that cold shoulder I was lost by high school and left before I had to confront the cruel reality that is my life. I do regret and I can’t forget and I always make wishes on glowing gas in space that by some chance something positive will come out of this shit hole of a life I lead.
I wanna cry, I am ungrateful for everything I’ve ever had. I glorify single moments in my life that aren’t that glorious and I wish I could go back, I’d do it over differently. I wouldn’t have quit school, I would have never dated Eric, I would have never met Adam, I would have lost weight and stopped being so insecure, I would have confronted my father no matter how afraid I was of the outcome. I could have had my chance with Hayden. But I know it’s not even about him, it’s more then that, deeper then him.
Everyone has moved on and I am still in this place, I am still mentally that defensive fearful child, that testy secretive teenager and now an utterly confused hurt adult. More than anything I feel trapped inside myself. My outer shell is cracking but I always manage to glue it back together and that isn’t a good thing. I fixate on the past tense and I hate myself for that. I hate myself for being so fucking hard on myself.
I honestly hope that I find it within myself to look on, move forward because if not, I don’t know what’s going to happen to me.
Pinback – Good To Sea
They’re moving Earth outside.
The ground is shaking like no beat.
A dense terrible sound.
At once both teeming and asleep.
It seems to me to be a sign.
I don’t believe in such, and yet…
It seems to me to keep one eye on the situation’s best.
(It’s good to see you
It’s good to see you go…)
It’s really not that kind
To terrorize one in one’s sleep
And if you really tried
You’d probably cut the chase too deep.
It seems to me that that’s a fine way
To keep you off your feet
There seems to be no other side
For the two ideas to meet.
(It’s good to see you
It’s good to see you go…)
Gotta keep your mind on somewhere else.
Gotta keep from thinking of your health.
Strange how your mind works.
(It’s good to see you
It’s good to see you go…
Oh no I hit rock bottom.)
I feel love for something though it is unknown, I feel it sitting in my chest… or is that just a painful memory surfacing?