09/27/2009

i’ve pretty much been an emotional train wreck over this brian situation since it began.  one minute i decide that i’m done with it: that i’m walking away, letting him go, moving on.  the next minute he’s texting me and i’m falling, falling, falling into his words and i can’t escape. 

we are perfect for each other.  but waiting for him seems pointless, fruitless, silly.  i’d be making myself even more vulnerable than i already am and setting myself up for certain disaster. 

last night as i was leaving kristina’s apartment, i ran into brian and his girlfriend on the porch.  and because i couldn’t run away screaming, i forced myself to socialize for 10 minutes while i had a cigarette with kristina.  she introduced herself to me.  i almost vomited.  then, she attempted conversation and that made it so much worse.  not because i hate her.  but because i know what i’ve done.  what we – brian and i – have done.  because brian is too much of a coward to sort through his feelings and make an adult decision.  because she was trying to be nice and sociable and i was harboring a secret that i couldn’t share.

part of me wanted to stand up and scream, "I FUCKED YOUR BOYFRIEND!!!" and then run away.  just to clear the air.  to ease the tension.  to get it all out in the open.  but i would never…could never…do that.

it was the most emotionally taxing experience i have had since scott and i broke up almost a year ago.  i don’t know what to do.

i think the only thing left for me to do is to ask brian not to contact me anymore.  i can’t help seeing him at kristina’s…but i can prevent us from communicating outside that venue.  and i think that’s what needs to be done.

because i can’t keep waiting for someone who is never going to come.