08/25/2009

in the days and weeks following my aunt ella’s death, she was, inexplicably, a constant presence in my life.  i’d be driving and feel her sitting next to me.  i could hear her voice in my head.  i could smell her gentle perfume in the wind.

her presence faded so gradually that i almost didn’t notice it.  then, one day, she was just gone.  i assumed that she hung around to make sure i was alright, to help ease me into the idea of her being gone.  somehow – and i don’t know exactly how – i just knew this. 

last night i was lying in bed, thinking about her.  in my head, i said, "i miss you, aunt ella."  then, clear as day, i heard her voice.  "i miss you too, angel."  i smiled and fell asleep wondering if maybe she wasn’t entirely ready to leave me yet.

i dreamed about her then.  it was christmas eve.  she showed up at our house wearing the green dress she wore on christmas day 1989, blue traveling bag in hand.  i don’t recall saying anything at all to her.  rather, when she knocked on the door to my room, i just ran to her and enveloped her in a hug.  she looked the way i remember her looking when i was a child.  i put her bag in my room (which, incidentally, used to be the guest room – the room in which she slept whenever she stayed with us) and went downstairs.  when i came back, she was standing in front of the bed, praying.  there were tears streaming down her face.  i couldn’t hear what she was saying.

and that’s all i remember.  i won’t pretend to have any clue what that dream means.  instead, i’ll just keep replaying it in my head, relishing in the fact that i got to see her once again.

my ache to see her and touch her in real life is insatiable.  some days, i can’t believe she’s truly gone.  it doesn’t feel real yet.  how long will it take?  thursday marks the 3 month anniversary of her death.  can she really have been gone that long?  it seems like just yesterday i was sitting on the edge of the bed in the hospital room she occupied for the last 2 months of her life.

i saw her almost every day for 2 solid months.  and still, it’s not enough.  i want more.  does this make me selfish?  she belongs here, with me.  i want her to come back.  i’m not sure i’ll ever stop wanting that.

why does everyone i love always have to leave me?