08/07/2009

i wish i could say for certain that i am over pat. but i can’t. i’m not sure i will ever get past the confusion that clouds my mind when i think of it. why is that?

i saw him last night. this isn’t a new development. we talk often and see each other a few times a month. just to get coffee and catch up and talk. we often talk about what happened with us…and why he’s still dating sara, even though he doesn’t think he wants to.

i wish with all my heart that things could work between pat and i. i’ve always been torn when it comes to him. one part of me knows that we are all wrong for each other and that he couldn’t fulfill my emotional needs. but in some far corner of my mind, i’ve always believed that he and i are meant to be together. i’m having trouble reconciling the two battling parts of my heart, and that is the basis of why i broke up with him 2 years ago: i knew that i loved him, that i would always love him, but that right then he couldn’t give me what i needed.

i often wonder if things would be different for us now. i’ve changed so much in the past 2 years, but i don’t know if he has or not.

maybe i just wish that we were meant to be together because for me, he is the representation of all that is comfortable and familiar in this world. maybe i am simply meant to always love him from afar, knowing that we couldn’t be happy.

i’ve been more confused about this lately and i’m not sure why. when i see him, i remember how safe i felt in his arms. i remember how good it felt to be loved by him. i remember the good things and the bad times are only shadows in my mind.

i realize that this whole thing is a moot point, because he is, after all, still with sara. but i can’t help wondering what would happen if he decided to leave her.

Maybe you should tell him this. Like you said he may have changed and you never know what could happen. I just think life is too short for what ifs. I have been reading you quietly for actually about 2 years now and I think you deserve to feel happy and safe.

free_spirit_gal

August 8, 2009

I feel u. I actually left a man I really loved, who really loved me too and he suffered a lot and eventually moved on. When I lost him, that’s when I truly suffered. I often dreamed of being back in his arms, and I know he loves me. Time went by, and I still wonder what I’d feel if he divorced his now wife and mom of 2 of his kids, but years went by and I found Jay, who fits the new me better.

7 years and I finally felt something I never thought I’d feel again, and this time it’s better, cause I have the maturity not to f*ck it up and I actually appreciate it.

maggie*may

August 9, 2009

ryn: Thanks! I’m almost done! one more day… I’m feeling the relief already even though I’m so tired. “he is the representation of all that is comfortable and familiar in this world. maybe i am simply meant to always love him from afar,knowing that we couldn’t be happy.” <– I know this.It does go away. Eventually. Id stop seeing him..Make a change, your hair, something, and get moving on.

cont.. I hope that wasn’t rude… it’s just. I’ve been there and it’s really best to just cut ties and go on. Either way, good luck, take care.

Miss Bliss

September 3, 2009

its so difficult to truly move on from a relationship like you had with Pat. It’s hard for the place they held in your life to be filled, for the little things you did together to get replaced with others so you don’t notice they’re missing…that was a whole life with it’s own stuff, you can’t just walk away and it’s gone. Like moving house or schools, or jobs…but bigger in a way. xx