06/18/2009

I am sitting at work, waiting for the clock on my desk phone to finally blink 5:00. My mind is blank, as it has been almost every day for the past 3 weeks. I wonder if I’ll ever feel human again.

 
The days and nights seem to stretch out endlessly before me. I am lonely and bored. I am frustrated with life and people and the neverending stream of bad luck I seem to have. I just wish I could find a reason to smile.
 
I have no one. Sure, I have a few friends. And they are good to me, don’t get me wrong. But they all have their own lives: husbands or boyfriends, houses of their own, many have children. I’m stuck between childhood and adulthood and it seems like I’m the only one here. It seems like I’m always on my own.
 
I’m 26 years old and my life is stagnant. I am still working on my BA. I still live with my parents. I’m perpetually, hopelessly single. I’m lifeless. And people are starting to notice.
 
I wish I was the kind of person who could be ok with near constant solitude. But I’m not. The fact is that I like to be around people. I like to feel like I’m part of something, like I’m important to someone on this godforsaken planet.
 
But lately, I just feel invisible.