i’m writing again, these letters to you

dear pa,
i can’t believe that it’s been a whole year since you’ve been gone – missing from my life.

but…you aren’t really gone, are you?  you are in my thoughts every day, and i can still see your face when i close my eyes.  i can still hear your gruff voice in my ears – even though it’s been exactly 371 days since i’ve heard it.

right after you died, i thought the pain would never go away.  and i still feel the weight of your absence, expecially when i think of all the special things in my life that you will never really see: my graduation from college, my wedding, the birth of your first great-grandchild.  but the pain comes less frequently now, and i often find myself smiling at the sight of your picture on my desk, or chuckling at some random memory of our time spent together.

when i think of all the years i’ve still got ahead of me – years that won’t include you – i wonder how i will ever be able to go on knowing that you aren’t here, won’t ever be here again.  and then i remember that you are always with me – always in my heart and in my mind.

i miss you, pa.  but i’m ok.  i hope that you are watching over me – and more than anything, i hope that you are proud of the woman i’ve become. 

for now, i will close my eyes and imagine that i am 5 years old again, and simply hugging you goodbye after one of our saturday visits.  in my mind, i will feel your strong arms around my shoulders, and then a soft pat on the behind, and i will hear the words you spoke to me so many times: "bye-bye honey.  pa loves you."

-amy