2/23/08

i saw tim on thursday night for the first time in almost 5 years.

i am speechless.

he is being deployed to iraq at the end of march.  i feel…..

i don’t know what i feel.  i feel like i did when i was 18 and head over heels in love with him.  i feel angry because he deserted me six years ago when i desperately needed him.  i feel excited because he has the ability to bring out the young girl in me.  i feel sad that he’s leaving and worried that something might happen to him. 

we actually talked about the kissing incident.  the one that occurred on december 23, 2001.  yes, i know i’m crazy for remembering that.  but you know what’s even crazier?  he remembered too.

i asked him why.  why he kissed me, why he let me fall when i so badly needed him there to pick me up.  i asked him if it was because he was drunk and i just happened to be there and he felt comfortable with me.  i never expected him to answer that it wasn’t for that reason.  i never expected to hear him say that it was because he liked me and was attracted to me.  but that’s exactly what he did say and i felt like falling, falling and all i wanted to do was wrap my body around his and memorize what that moment felt like.  i asked him why we never talked about it, why he deserted me, why our friendship ended with that single night.  he said he got scared and did what he does best: run.  he said he felt all this emotion towards me and didn’t know what to do with it, so he ran away.

i don’t know how he feels about me now, six years later.  he was flirtatious, but that’s normal for him – at least with me.  i don’t want to get emotionally attached to him, especially since he’s going away for so long.  and, more importantly, since he tends to get freaked out about this stuff.  but at the same time, i want him to kiss me and hold me like he’ll never let me go.  i want to memorize everything about him the way i did that night in december so long ago.  i want to be able to close my eyes and feel his arms around me and feel his lips on mine.  i want him to love me like i love him. 

i remember what it felt like to have him in my life and i miss it so badly my heart aches. 

we are supposed to be hanging out tonight.  dear god, please don’t let him get scared again.  please help him to have the courage to come back to me.  i’ve never needed anything more than i need this.