like we never loved at all

i’ve been missing pat pretty badly for the last few days.  i started reaching out more to try and contact him, to see if maybe we could start working on a friendship of sorts.  but it turns out that he doesn’t want to talk to me.  i guess i deserve it.  i pushed him away in the beginning when he wanted to talk to me every day…because it was too painful…and i thought if i could just ignore the pain, it might subside with time.  it hasn’t and now i’m left in a worse situation than before.

i never thought i’d miss having him around.  i mean, i’m still adamant that i made the right decision and i’m not changing my mind.  but sometimes i wish that i could.  or i wish that things were simpler, and we could just build a friendship and have everything be good.  but i know that life never works that way.

my world has become incredibly and pitifully small since i lost him, and even though i know in the long run that we will be happier without each other, it’s still so hard right now to imagine being alone…or worse yet, being with anyone else.  there are some nights i can hardly stand to lie in bed alone.  all i can think about is how i wish he were there beside me.  i guess i was selfish to think that he’d hold on to my memory forever.  but at the same time, a big part of me knew that he didn’t mean it when he said that i was the love of his life, and that he would never get over me.  i somehow knew that it would be easy for him to move on, probably because he spent the majority of the time we spent together trying to run from any problem that arose.  running and forgetting has never been a problem for him…why should it be now?

i just wish things were simpler.  i hate that i had to let him go and i hate that he’s finally ok with it.  i hate that he’s been hanging out with a new girl and i hate that he seems to be doing just fine.  and yet, i want him to find happiness.  i want him to find a girl who will inspire him to become a better person than he ever was with me.  i want him to build a life that ends up being all he’s ever hoped for.  because even if he has forgotten, i haven’t and a part of my heart will go on remembering, even if i end up with someone else.  a part of me will always wish that we could be together.  i’ll always wonder how my life may have been different if he’d remained a part of it.