Iridescent

My Family!

Normal
0

false
false
false

EN-US
X-NONE
X-NONE

MicrosoftInternetExplorer4

<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="70" SemiHidden="false"
UnhideWhenUsed="false" Name="Dark List Accent 1" /

>

<w:LsdException Locked="false" Priority="62" SemiHidden="false”
UnhideWhenUsed=”false” Name=”Light Grid Accent 6″ />

I’ve been so lost…and pensive…and just OFF lately. My energy level is low, and my inner sunshine is dim. These are things that almost never happen to me…at least not for long. It’s been at least a week, maybe more. A lot of it has to do with my birthday coming. I was excited to turn 31. Aging doesn’t bring me the sadness that many people experience. I’m not depressed, and I am beyond thrilled to have made it yet another year in this lifetime. I’m certain that my birthday has much to do with my recent feeling of lost and hopelessness. I’m trying to put into words, something I only finally came to realize and understand last night. Some background first, so I can keep this journey straight. I know this will come across as choppy and incomplete, but I’m still trying to wade through the fog and organize my thoughts and emotions.

 I’ve been learning to meditate lately, and meditation is NOT something that comes easily to me. I can get into “that place” easily enough, but everything is so colorful. I can rarely organize my thoughts quickly enough to SEE what I am trying to see. I meditate at least twice a day now, something I wish I would have begun years ago. It calms me down, and slowly I am unwrapping layers of myself. I’ve begun a self-journey, that is making me deal with aspects of my life that quite frankly I have buried so deeply in denial that its rough unlocking them. I’m a happy go lucky person, with high energy, because anything negative that happened, I just buried deep, and moved forward. This has worked for me for 31 years. But now through meditation, I am forcing myself to deal with ME, and my disappointment in myself.

 

Let me describe my head as I meditate. Some people have described images, and guides that walk them through. I see none of that. I see colors. Bright vivid colors….sometimes it’s a single color, sometimes its multiple colors, swirling about my head. Sometimes colors represent people, but mostly I have found that they represent emotions. Muted pastels are usually negative emotions. Sadness, despair, loss, even anger falls into  muted colors. Grey is the worst of all.  When it’s the pale grey, not the dark vivid grey.

All vivid colors appear to be positive emotions. Love, happiness, high energy. When I see me, I usually see a beautiful mass of pink, purple, and blue. Vivid and bright, and swirling about.

 

I occasionally see images, but only if I focus very hard. I rarely see clear images. Mostly, if an actual image comes across, its faded, and barely there, and I have to focus very very hard to figure out what the image is. There is never a story, with follow through, and I rarely know how to make sense of what I am seeing. I need to figure out what my colors mean, because something tells me that’s the rest of the story. Color=emotion, put with images I may actually be able to figure this out..

 

But that’s not even part of this story…I am side tracked in my own memoirs. Imagine what my head feels like on the best of days….lol I’m lucky I even function…seriously…..functioning insanity…that’s me!

So anyway, through all this meditation, I keep asking myself for a sign….I have been asking for a song….because I relate to life through music, and I have been asking for a song, to bring me clarity. Every night, before I go to bed, and every morning, when I wake up in the morning, I ask through meditation for a song to help me. To show me what I feel, and to unlock my head prison. It doesn’t have to be literal, sometimes, even though the lyrics were written with entirely different thoughts and meaning , they unlock something in me that has meaning to me. So far, no songs. I always have a song in my heart. There are dozens of songs that have meaning to me…but I have never had that one soul song…..i have searched so long for.

 

Until now. I was finally granted my song….at the point where my energy was so low, it was almost absent. Its so hard to feel like somethi

ng is very wrong, but have no idea WHY. Nothing has happened, I’m basically happy. I lead a dull, boring, complacent life. I have amazing friends, a loving family, and precious pets. My life is GOOD. I have interests, and I’m trying to do something with my life…yet I have just been feeling DOWN and blah….so finally, last night on the way home from the Paranormal Sciences meeting, I turned on the radio, and I wasn’t even out of Hebron, when it came on….I had never heard it before. Didn’t know what it was called, or who sang it. (though they sounded familiar) but from the FIRST sentence of the song, I KNEW it was the song I have been praying for.

 

Its called Iridescent, by Linkin Park…(see lyrics below)

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
when you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
with the cataclysm raining down, insides crying save me now
you were there and possibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

And in the burst of light that blinded every angel
as if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
you felt the gravity of temper grace falling into empty space
no one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go,

let it go
let it go
let it go
let it go

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation
you build up all the failures all you’ve known
remember all the sadness and frustration
and let it go, let it go.

 

 

 

 

Taken literally, that song probably scares people to death when I tell them it’s my soul song…but this is what this song has made me realize about myself.

 

My entire life, I have had so many passions. I am passionate about everything I do, I have SO MANY interests, and loves, and I have done and experienced SO MUCH in my lifetime…but I have NO TALENTS. My whole life has been one frustrated fumble after another. Passion only takes you so far, when you don’t have an affinity or natural talent for anything. I’m a reader, and I read everything I can get my hands on about everything I am passionate about. One would think with all the reading I do, that I would have this amazing bank of useless knowledge to at least fall back upon…but no. My memory from the end of a book, lasts pretty much until I close my eyes, and its gone. I will have a wonderful hazy picture of what I just read…but that’s it. My memory was the final failing. Now that its gone, what do I have?? Its SO FRUSTRATING to move from one failure to another, and have nothing to show for myself. Instead of a list of accomplishments, I have carried with me a list of failures, one faded passion after another. And the sad part is, that doesn’t in any way diminish my excitement for my passions. OH NO! I just regroup, and keep on keeping on. That is frustrating too. Some examples, since some of you reading this don’t know all my passions, since I tend to keep quiet about a lot, since I can’t do anything with any of it.

I have the heart and soul of an artist. My world is color, and color means everything to me. I LOVE art in all its forms, I have a creative streak a mile long, but no functional ability!! I can’t draw, paint, sew, sculpt, macramé….NADA! I have pictures in my head, that I have no way to get out onto some sort of forms. I can’t even describe them. FRUSTRATION because they NEED to come out. I need them in some sort of printed form. I NEED this for me, and its as though a part of me is just locked up. As a child, I had boundless creativity….i was a joiner. I took art lessons, and craft classes, and made such cool things. But I am one of those people who need instruction in all I do. You need to tell me to take tab a, and slip it into slot b. LOL I can copy others artwork, but can’t do anything original. It gets old being a copier.

 

Another example is singing. I took voice lessons since I was like….4. I sang in the church choir. (and it wasn;t even the church I belonged to) and music has always been part of my life. At age 7, I was in the recording studio singing professionally. I was chosen by my voice teacher to be part of two different music groups. One was called the Voices of Winter, the other In the Spirit. We toured all over Chicago, sang in hotels, performed on tv shows, etc. We raised money for the homeless with Voices of Winter. We produced 3 albums, and singing literally was my life. I was a high clear soprano…..with a vocal range all the way to tenor. Then one day, I woke up and I was TONE DEAF?? I can’t even pretend to carry a tune anymore. Talk about frustrating!!!

 

Photography, theater, writing, jewelry making, so many passions, and yet I am just BLOCKED.

I have always had a strong interest in the metaphysical. I’ve never felt called to attempt to develop that, so I am trying again. Whether anything will come of this, I have no idea, but the journey is well worth the effort. I’m having the time of my life.

 

What fuels me IS this feeling. This desperation and sadness, it fuels me to move forward and keep trying. I will never stop….no matter how sad and frustrated I get with myself, ALWAYS I let it go and move forward. It doesn’t help to hold on to it….

 

So I guess the gist  of it all is, I feel like I am living somebody else’s life. The me that the world sees is just NOT who I am inside. Yet I feel like I am locked inside myself, and I don’t know how to get out.  My childhood was all me….nothing could stop me, I was a force all my own. But something changed in my adult life. I went from being an extreme people person, to being stuck inside myself. I almost feel like a social outcast, because I think and feel like me, but don’t know how to emote that outside my body. I went from happy and sunshiny, to quiet, and subdued. I went from feeling like I could do anything, to being fearful and asking myself “can I do this?” These things are just not me…and I want to get back to my fearless, I can do anything self. I want to be me again, and I don’t know how.

 

My strangeness lately,