1/4/09

My Family!

 

Hello everybody…

Happy New Year, Merry Christmas, and all that fun shit. I haven’t been much in the mood for writing lately, so I have just kinda avoided the whole writing part of this place. Still been reading you guys,  but posting and noting….not been happening much. Sorry for that. I’m doing ok, but its been a rough holiday season all around. I’ve not really felt connected with everything,. I didn’t even decorate for Christmas, never went and saw the lights…nothing. Anybody who knows me, knows how important all those things are to me. I just….pretty much have avoided living lately. I’m mildly depressed, which makes no sense……I’m lonely…..I’m…alot of things I didn’t feel like owning up to until now. I’m gut wrenchingly, heart stopping, lonely. I’m avoiding some of the people who are around, and missing like hell some of the ones who aren’t. It seems like everyone who has ever really mattered in my life has moved out of state. How shitty is that? NW Indiana does NOT hold on to people. I’m one of the few who got sucked in, with no desire to leave. Two of my friends who has left for bigger and better things came into town for the holidays, and it was amazingly wonderful. I got to connect with them, AND a few other people I used to be friends with but haven’t seen in a long while. It was nice, it was some wonderful time, and it made the whole "alone thing" even worse, once they left. I’m not lamenting my lack of a relationship. I’m actually quite happy about that. That’s not what I miss. I ended my last relationship, knowing what I was doing, and knowing I did the right thing for myself. We never had in that relationship, what I am needing anyway. I miss closeness, camraderie, laughter, tears, hugs, and smiles. I miss knowing people, and them knowing me, so I don’t HAVE to explain myself at every turn. I miss card games, and board games, and kickass teams, lsughter…laughter….laughter. There is so little true laughter in my life anymore. I miss always having somebody to do things with…whether it be going to the movies, going grocery shopping….going….anywhere. Living life alone quite frankly sucks.

 

At the same time, I find myself dreaming of being alone more. I want my own space. I live in a house filled with people. There is always always always people around…and kids….I LOVE kids…..these kids love me. They want to spend every waking…and sleeping moment with me. And all i want to do is say PLEASE…..go AWAY…give me 30 seconds of peace and quiet….give me….something…

I want my own. I want a family. I want kids who, at the end of a long day of kisses and cuddles, I can tuck into bed, and then have my own time….but I don’t get that here. I have kids who are on me the second I walk into my house, beg for sleepovers every night, and spend every waking and sleeping moment glued to my hip. LOL And I love them, but its mass chaos here. I am so tired of chaos.

 

My biggest dream in the world right now is to be a foster mother. I want to take in siblings, who would otherwise have been seperated. I want to make a difference in sombody’s lives. I want to bring love to kids who otherwise weren’t getting it. And I can’t. I am stuck living in a place with tons of people, but no extra bedrooms. I want my foster kids, but I won’t bring them into an environment like this. I will wait, til I can do it right. They will give my live purpose again, cuz right now, I am not feeling it.

 

Anyway, thats not everything but i think my cat is sick, and i need to make sure he is sok…i think he got a cold…poor thing…

 

 

Kristin