7/24/08

My Family!

Good morning all!!

I’m conscious, and thats about all one can expect from me at this time. Hell, its better than I have expected from myself. I’m not feeling well these days, I think its my blood pressure being off. I am sooooo swollen, and my fingers and joints just HURT. Even my kneee hurts, which is a sure sign of extreme swelling. GAH. I’m thinking about making a doctors appointment, for once I move to Valparaiso. My doctor is in St. John, so thats a bit of a hassel…but i think its something that needs to be done. I need to pick up my meds, and start taking them again. I had promised myself I wouldn’t go off my meds like this again, but I did….its summer time. I am not supposed to be in the sun when I take my meds. I LOVE the sun…LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE it. I don’t have as dark a tan as I should though….thats cuz I have been lazy. The air conditioning feels soooo good…I have been hibernating and watching sappy movies, instead of being outside like I really want. Its cuz I’m lonely. I miss my friends. I miss the friends who would just randomly stop by for a few hours, who would drag me out of the house against my will to do fun things that cost no money, who would bring over movies, that they just KNOW I will like, and we would watch them together, who would bring over a deck of cards, and play til the sun came up, and it was time to go to work. I MISS that. I miss my friend Amanda, and her son Hayden. She left me to get married and move to Ottowa. But I haven’t even heard from her at all now for two years. I was reading through old e-mails earlier, and it just made me nostalgic. I have some really really old sent e-mails saved. I’ve had the same e-mail account for like 13-15 years. I hate change, so I keep it! 🙂 I am paid up for another year. 🙂 Yes I pay yearly. Even tho I could get so many free accounts, I am happy with my vinaraba@usa.net account. Its unique, and its mine. 🙂

Last night was a rough night…it really was. I was in a good mood, but sad at the same time. Its difficult to explain, I think I’m just lonely. I’m tired of changes in my life. Everything is changing, its changing fast, and I no longer have any control. For as go with the flow as I am, I am also a closet control freak. As long as I know the direction, I am usually ok…but I’m not even close to being ready for all this. I am moving in a month….a FREAKING month…yet I have never seen this apartment, can’t get the guy to call me back, and I cannot find his phone number to call him!!! I have no idea what to do. I need to know when I can move in, cuz I need to get the moving party set up. I am NOT doing this on my own again. I almost killed myself, and thats with having two teenage boys helping me. Without their help, I have no idea what I would have done. They won’t be available this time….so now what?? Will my friends rally and help? I honestly have my doubts. Paul helped last time, with some of the big stuff like my bed. Will he help this time? We shall see….I do believe I can count on him….but I don’t even know his off days anymore.
 
I’m going to Valparaiso….VALPO!!! That’s that far away town, that I NEVER venture into, except to go THROUGH it to go camping. Its the town the nearest Wal-Mart to my campground is located in. lol Thats what Valparaiso is to me. I work in ILLINOIS….Chicago….
The expressway does not even run from Valparaiso to work….so I have to take route 30….
Which means….an hour and a half drive to work every morning. I’m freaking out again.
 
On the plus side, there is a washer and dryer there, and all utilities are included. THAT is a plus. If I am ever at home long enough to be able to run it!! LOL I will be getting up at 4am to make it on time lol and getting home at 6 or 7…gaaah!! Ok I am done whining….I just need Jim Horn to get in touch with me….seriously….I’m getting panicked.
 
So in trying to destress, I have been focusing on my dog, and loving him a little extra. 🙂 I joined a local yorkie lovers group, that i found through the Yorkie rescue, where I have been *whispering* looking for another Yorkie to adopt. If I fall in love with one, I just might do it. A girl this time….I want a pair!! And Titus is so perfect, how cool would it be to have a tiny pair of Yorkies. Even though what I really want is a big dog, I don’t have the time or space for one. I appreciate and accept that. I need another dog like I need a hole in the head, but damn it, I have so much inside me, and I am smothering the hell out of my animals. Jakey doesn’t appreciate that much affection, and while Titus eats it up, I think I am driving him crazy. I am snuggling the hell out of the rats on a daily basis, but only one out of three really enjoys it. lol The other two are on a neverending quest for food, and while they love people, they would really just rather eat. The birds, I can’t hold tight, and cry into their feathers. 😛 But I did go into petland the other day, and fall in love with another bird. Its so beautiful and sweet. I put my hand in there, for one to jump up on, and 5 of them all hopped on…they were so eager to please, and precious….conures….different colored conures….and they were teeeeny tiny…..but i really don’t want more birds. Unless its an Macaw….I really really want a Macaw….but I will be patient. That will come with time. I am having a blast in this Yorkie lovers group though…talking to other people who have and love Yorkies. I m ean, there is my mom and dad, Ricky and Angela, and Becky and Tim, and my moms next door neighbor, all who have and love Yorkies, but these people have sometimes 6 or 7 of them, and its insane and awesome, and they love their babies like I love my Titus. I posted pics of my boy, and got nothing buyt compliments on him. Oh he is so beautiful. Someone on the list has a 2 pounder…oh what i wouldn’t give for a tiny one like that. Titus would eat it up tho…literally. lol Besides, I have enough trouple with oneyapper….definitely don’t need two!!! LOL
 
My mood is slightly better, but gah, I am lost under this cloud of stress. I truly odn’t know what to do right now. I am having trouble functioning. Usually, I work great under pressure, but this time I honestly don’t know what I am going to do and it scares me. Will I be homeless??
 
I keep saying I’m happy, but I think I am honestly trying to convince myself of that. Cuz I just realized….I’m UNHAPPY right now!! I am actually very unhappy, and I think its just stress causing it. But yeah…so there it is. I am not a happy girl. And that’s ok! 🙂

Going to finish playing my game now!! Adieu!!!

Kristin