well fuck

i have rapid cycling bi polar disorder.

which explains so much.  i knew it wasnt the typical bi polar disorder. i thought it was just shifts in my hormone levels. i thought my mood swings were normal. im a young female. these things happen. with the rapid cycling, the moods can changes in a matter of days or even hours, not months, like with the not rapid cycling/regular  version.

i was misdiagnosed with MMD in jan 2009. treated with the wrong medication, and nearly went on a killing spree. [even though it was a very destructive time, it was fun as hell]

MANIC MANIC MANIC

so, i dont mind the mania or hypomania, just the depression. it gets in the way of literally everything. so if i could keep the ups but lose the downs, that would be perfect.  i have figured out a temporary fix to the irrability that sometimes comes with manic fits. i either have to smoke pot or take a small amount of symbyax.

i would like to see a doctor again and try different medication, but im without health insurance. [also jobless]  [read:flat out broke] and there are no resources for free mental health care in my area.

theres got to be a way to fix me.