Regretting The Things I’ve Done

I’ve been with OD since 1998 along the way I only posted when I was angry or upset and sadly this was most of time. I’m happy to see OD is back and better then ever, I do wish there was still a free option. However times change and we must change with it. Something I’m learning the hard way now. If you read those entries, its just a nasty crime scene of anger and hate. Inside that hate I was happy, that is the true sadness…I should have realized there was a problem.

I meet my beautiful wife when we were 14, started dating late 16 and got married at 20. I was not affectionate enough in the early years and I regret that. I think that is a big part of what lead us here. She started cheating on my almost immediately, because she wasn’t getting what she needed from me. I was too wrapped up in work and video games to give her proper attention. Years went on and I took her for granted, even posted nasty stuff here about her and her family. I was so consumed with being some sort of asshole, I never stopped to notice she was dying inside. Until one day about 7 years ago, she had too much and confessed to cheating on me. It almost ended there, but we rallied…and that was about the time I stopped posting here.

From that moment, I no longer took her for granted. My whole life changed, my priorities changed. I was 100% the man I should have been from day one. A little to late however, the damage was done and back at that point when she broke and told me, my wife…the woman I married had died and was replaced by this new broken woman that hated me. No amount of love or change on my part was ever going to bring her back. I did not know that at the time. For the next 7 years, I did everything to save the relationship, but the harder I tried the more distant she became.

We never had children due to fertility problems. We attempted to work on that with clinics here and there but we never followed through.  Looking back on it, I think it was that she never really wanted a child with me. She said that she did, but I think she was just saying what I wanted to hear. This past year I figured out a way for us to have a child. I lined up the finances, a surrogate, clinic and even had us scheduled to get an embryo. We were on a waiting list to get the embryo and have the procedure done. When I got a text from her… “I don’t want a baby” My heart broke but I guess her’s broke many years earlier. That was the end, September 28th 2017…my last day of a life that I loved, a wife that I loved, a family that I loved.

I’ve kept my vows and even thought we are soon to be divorced I will keep them until I die. I will never take another wife, my heart is her’s even if her’s is not mine. I’m not the type of person that can stop loving her just for the sake of moving on. I will be strong and live alone, but will not forsake my love for her.

~~~Navaji (MeepleMe)