Well, I Finally Know . . .

I’ve suspected for awhile now that if it came down to it, Drew would choose pretty much anything over me.  We had an argument tonight because I got annoyed at the fact that he wanted to leave the house so early tonight and I asked him when I would actually matter to him.  When would I be more important to him than something else?

I don’t remember exactly the course of the argument, but I said at one point something about how I know he doesn’t give a fuck about his health, but it’d be nice if he cared about mine and wouldn’t smoke around me.  You know what he says?  "Then don’t be around me."

That’s his answer.  "Then don’t be around me."  Nice to know Goddamn cancer sticks are more important to him than I am.

I give up.  I’m done.  He’s proven tonight that even if I do mean anything to him, it’s not enough.

Why do I keep doing this?  This is the third time.  I fall for someone and they are number one to me.  They are the most important thing to me.  But once again, I’m not number one to them.  I never expected to be number one with Drew; he has kids, so of course I expect that they would always be in front of me.  But . . . to not even feel like I’m a blip on the radar . . .

I wish I was important to him.  Who cares if he wanted me to resize my Nana’s ring so he could give it to me on Christmas and we could be oficially engaged?  Who cares about that when he basically expects me to bend to his will without giving any bend back?  He dosn’t care to hear about my schooling, he’s not interested in listening to things about my classes, my writing doesn’t matter to him, my drawings that I’m doing for the kid’s book that HE came up with don’t matter to him . . .  And yet I’m supposed to listen to some fucking ramblings about Goddamn comics?????  I’m supposed to sit there and listen to fucking Star Wars quotes?????  Who the FUCK cares????  He basically tells me he doesn’t CARE about what I want to do as a CAREER, yet I’m supposed to sit there and listen to him babble about some fuckin’ shit like Star Wars quotes and useless comic info?????  Why the FUCK should I listen to this stuff to make him happy when he won’t even attempt to give me the same courtesy and outright says that he doesn’t care?

And I’m stupid enough to still love him.  But after this, if I mean anything to him, he’s gonna have to prove it.  He’s gonna have to earn back my trust, because he has thoroughly lost it.  Not only did he purposely try to hurt me as much as possible tonight, I found out he lied to me about something else.  Inconsequential in the long run, but just the fact that he lied . . .  It makes me wonder what else he’s lied about for whatever reasons.

I wish I believed that he would earn back my trust.  But I don’t think he will.  Even if he does apologize for this and say that he wants to put it behind us, if I say that I can’t, and that he has to earn back my trust, he won’t even try.  He’ll just walk away because I haven’t automatically forgiven him.

I’m done . . .  I’m just gonna go cry this out as much as I can tonight . . .

It’s gonna be one Hell of a sucky weekend . . .

I just . . . Nine days before Christmas.  What the Hell, you know?  Why the Hell can’t I have a good holiday season?