Catching Up (Again!)

Lol.  I really need to get on here more often.  The only interenet access I have right now is through my phone, though, and while I can type entries on it, it’s frustrating only being able to use my thumbs, and then the paragraphs never unclump no matter what I do.

Drew and I went through (yet another) rough patch recently.  It’s definitely frustrating to me.  Hmm.  ‘Frustrating’ seems to be my new word of choice.  Used to be ‘exasperating.’  Anyway.

He goes on this whole thing Sunday about how he doesn’t wanna ever be married again, and it just turned into this whole thing between the two of us where he was declaring we were over and blah, blah, blah.  I think it was just the continuation of things that started two weeks ago tomorrow.  See, tweo weeks ago yesterday, Drew and I went up to Wantage, NJ, (good two hour trip,) to see the woman with the golden retriever puppy we’re adopting.  ( Yay for puppy!  His name is Hero.)  And most of the day, he and I were talking, joking, stuff like that.  And I was asking him more thought/feeling provoking questions.  To be honest, I should have known something would happen a day or two after it, because whenever he feels that someone has gotten too close, or is digging too much into his head, he freaks, and feels like he has to put some space between him and whoever it is.  It’s happened to me before.

Anyway, two weeks ago tomorrow, it started.  He said he needed to think, he doesn’t know what he wants, he doesn’t really wanna get married again, I need to find someone else, all that nonsense.

I do see where his fears come from.  I know why he has them.  And to be honest, I don’t blame him for trying to protect himself from being hurt.  On the other hand, I hate being hurt because he feels the need to ‘get someone before they get him.’  That mindset drives me insane, cuz what if I have no intention of ‘getting’ him?  What if I’m not out to hurt him?  What if I don’t hurt him?  What if we can just love each other?

I mean, I don’t doubt we’ll have our bumps in the road, just based on how our personalities are.  But, it’s something I was saying yesterday.  Relationships aren’t about just having smooth sailing; they’re about how two people come through the troubles together.

Maybe I got it from Melanie, or drew my own conclusions based on my experiences, but I’ve said for awhile that if you’re in a relationship and decide to live together, it’ll either make or break things for you.  That’s definitely true.  And me and Drew, It think it’s just made us stronger.  Be interesting to see how that plays out in another situation, but then, I’m surprised things have lasted this long in that one.

Oh, yeah.  I was trying to figure out what else to write about.  I suppose I should give the ending of me and Matt.

I don’t remember the exact dates.  I think it was right around the time I got switched from Atlantic Highlands to Eatontown.  Yes, it was.  Okay, Matt knew that I’d talked to Drew’s ex.  And he kept asking me ‘have you told him yet?’ and all that.  In fact, the Wednesday that I was gonna tell Drew, but he came home in such a bad mood that I changed my mind, Matt and I had actually met up to go ice skating at the outdoor rink near the Menlo Park Mall.  I freely admit, I wasn’t much cimpany.  I was depressed over what I was determined to do that night and all in all, I should have cancelled on Matt.  I didn’t wanna be seen by anybody, but I forced myself out, thinking maybe ice skating would actually cheer me up.  Didin’t work.  And him bugging me about stuff with Drew and claiming, ‘oh, I bet he won’t take it that bad,’ weren’t helping.

So, anyway, Drew found out I’d talked to his ex because of his ex, we had our confrontations, and while I was at work one day, I texted Matt, basically verbally blasting him for insisting to me that it wouldn’t be that bad.  I told him no, it was worse, said that he was a freakin’ idiot for insisting otherwise because he didn’t know Drew at all and should quit pretending to, and told him to leave me the f-ck alone.  He didn’t, instead choosing to text me with ‘well, you’re not really angry at me,’ and all this.  Partially, I’ll give him, he was right.  I was somewhat projecting my anger on him.  But also partially, I was pissed at him for having the nerve to insist so much that Drew would be fine with me doing that even though I knew differently.  He didn’t want to accept that he was dead wrong.

Anyway, I don’t know how, but somehow, (things like this happen a lot with our text conversations,) we got to talking about his speech.  Long story short, he’s a stutterer.  He has a very halting, slow, monotone way of speaking, littered with "Um’s" and the like.  And have you ever tried speaking, normal volume, while inhaling?  For some reason, especially with words that begin with C, he’ll inhale as he says it.  So, say that word is "call."  It’ll basically come out: "C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c…. All him."  And it’s not even a full "C" sound, either, it’s like half of it, as weird as that sounds.  Then there’ll be a pause and he’ll say the remainder of the word, in this case, "all," before he goes to the next word.  Now, this isn’t an every-single-word-out-of-his-mouth thing.  Sometimes he’ll get out three or four, completely normally.  But then some other one’ll give him a hitch.  (Hence why I prefer talking to him over text, btw.)  I do agree with Melanie that in person, you can catch more from a person’s inflections and tone, but when a person has no inflection or tone to their speech, well, at least texting is quicker.  Some of the conversations we’ve had over text in an hour would take three days in person.

(For the record, no, I’m not making fun of speech impediments.  I know they’re serious (or at least can be) and I know they’re frustrating.  I’m just illustrating the turn the conversation took and examples of what listening to him is like.)

Anyway, over text, I said to him something about how his speech bugged the Hell outta me.  Listening to him was just . . . argh.  But that I knew it had to be even worse for him, because (and I do have to admit, this is true of him) he’s got a quick mind, and to not be able to get his thoughts out verbally anywhere near as fast as they came to his mind must be torturous.

I probably said more, or said basically that with different words, but the message was this: it drives me nuts how you talk, but I doubt that’s any surprise to you because as much as it must annoy the ones listening, it’s gotta be ten times worse being the one who has to deal with it.

Well, he took it as me insulting him.  The next conversation regarding it, I remember we had when I was in Eatontown, probably near Easter, though I might be wrong.  Cuz somehow, it was brought back up, and he was saying how I was the only one bothered by how he talks, (which I highly doubt.  I think it’s that no one else would ‘dare’ say that to his face,) and how if I didn’t like it, there were plenty of other people who would ‘accept him as he was.’  Oh!  That’s right.  The night before he texted me that, he’d been saying how he didn’t want to stop talking to me, I was the only friend he had who would be as honest with him as I’ve been, and he could ‘really talk to me about things’ that were going on with him.  He tells me that he feels we’re meant to be in each other’s lives.  Then he tells me that he was going through a really bad time.  My phone was about to die, and it was close to two am, so I had said I needed to turn my phone off and charge it, if he wanted to, he could text me the next day and tell me about this stuff.

So, I don’t remember him really talking to me about anything bothering him at that point, but the whole speech thing was brought up again, and he insisted that no one else was bothered by it.  I said I thought that was BS, because who else but me would say anything to him if they were bothered by it?  He insisted I was wrong, he was right, end of story, and said if I had such a problem with it, then I didn’t have to talk to him anymore.  I said if he was going to condemn me for what I thought, then so be it.  It wasn’t my loss, and so much for his whole line about "we’re meant to be in each other’s lives."

He actually didn’t text me for a little while after that.  It had to be a few weeks, at least.  But then, he texts me out of the blue, asking if I still had something he’d typed up and given me a copy of.  I ignored the first few of his texts, figuring if that’s the only reason he’s gonna text me, too bad.  I mean, the guy turns his back on me because I’m honest about something, (blatant, no-holds-bar honesty being something he’d come to expect from me, besides,) and then wants me to do him a favor?  You’ve gotta be kidding me.  But he kept texting me, so finally I answered, saying I didn’t know if I still had it, and even if I did, I wasn’t sure where it was, and besides, why should I do him any favors?

Once again, this goes on to be a whole conversation about everything and nothing, on the day that Drew was hospitalized because of a minor (very minor, thank God) stroke he had, Monday, May 10th.  I just didn’t have the patience for it.  I wanted the conversation to end, I didn’t care about anything Matt was saying, and once again, he was belitting my different bad experiences, basically saying, "oh, that’s not so bad," and whatnot.  Finally, I don’t remember how, but . . .  ah, yes, I remember how.  That was the day he was telling me about what ‘horrible things’ he was facing.  Yeah, you know what it entailed?  Problems with his parents (yes, he still lives at home,) frustration over his continued unemployment, and worries about failing the sign language class he was taking at Brookdale.  And he belittles my problems.  Freakin’ jackass.  He actually said that because of these things, he was ‘so depressed’ and actually considering ending his life.  Well, I told him flat-out that that was a selfish way to look at things, and those things weren’t worth something as serious as suicide.  He must have focused solely on the selfish thing,. because next thing I know, he send a text over saying, "Boy, Drew needs to hit you harder next time, or in the right spot."

I just stared at my phone in utter disbelief.  To have A) insulted not only me, but Drew that way, and B) involved himself that way in something that I told him about was just despicable and inexcuseable.  I wish I remembered exactly what I typed, but I don’t.  I just know that I pretty much told him "Okay, you know what? You’ve crossed the line.  Now, you can go f-ck off.  Don’t talk to me anymore."  (Not a direct quote, but I did tell him to F off, and I was angry enough then not to – out a letter.)  Then, I erased our conversation, deleted his number from my phone, and was determined to not reply if he texted back.  Well, these are the last few lines of our conversation:

Him: Look, I’m sorry.  I’ve been having an awful day.  You were right.  But I do need a friend now.

Me: After what you said, find yourself a new one. Or better yet, talk more frequently with the one who’s paid to listen.  (Yeah, he’s told me he was seeing a therapist.)

Him: I know, I didn’t want things to end this way is all.  I’ve been such an ahole lately. I really didn’t mean it.

Me: Yeah, you have.  And if you didn’t mean it, you wouldn’t have said it.  So, too bad.  They’ve ended this way and that’s that.  With ‘friends’ like you, I have no need of enemies.  Someone like you already throws things in my face that you weren’t even there fore, no less!

Him: I’m a dick.  I didn’t mean it.  I said it to make you mad.  I would like to make it up to you.

Me: Mission accomplished.  I’m pissed.  And there’s nothing you can do to take back a line like that.  I’m done.  Go find someone else you can verbally harass because I’m sick of listening.

Him: If I pay for Drew’s hospital care.

Me: Like I said, go verbally harass someone else.  Or better yet, how about ot attacking the ones you claim to want as friends?

He never texted back after that.  I’m just as glad.

So, yeah.  That’s what’s been going on with me lately.  I’ll see if I can update again soon, because there is other stuff going on.  This definitely isn’t everything.