Letter To The Past

 

Write a letter to yourself at 16. What would you say to that young person? What advice would you give them? Would you warn them about any of their future?

(This is one of the NoJoMo things I saw on Melanie’s diary.  I decided to do it, even though I’m not participating in the November Journaling Month.  I may next year, though.  Either that, or the novel writing one.)

That said . . .  a letter to myself at sixteen.  Wow.

Dear 16-year-old self,

Damn.  I’m eleven years older than you right now.  What can I say?  Now that I’m sitting down to do it, I don’t really know what to tell you.  You turned sixteen on July 16th, 1998, and that year, you decided to have a roller rink party because you’d never had one before, but always wanted one.  You and Dolly were convinced some kind of soap opera-like drama was going to explode on the day of your birthday party, and that it would somehow involve the two of you, Ryan, and Jason.

Dear God in Heaven… Jason.  Watch out for him.  Or more accurately, his mom.  It’d probably be better to keep writing notes to him to a minimum.  And don’t worry about him not answering his phone.  Just call someone else if you need to talk.  But not Dolly.  You get in trouble for wracking up too much phone time with her, since it’s long distance and all.  But keep writing her letters.  That Red Binder is absolutely priceless to you.  And it actually helps you discover something when you’re 26.  But I’ll go into that in a bit.

The first month of your junior year is Hell, because Jason’s mom decides out of the blue that you and Dolly aren’t worthwhile enough to be in Jason’s life.  And you were right in your gues: Jason is emotionally abused.  Don’t give up on that mindset.  Do whatever you can, talk to people, gather information, just give your best damned attempt to tell someone, to get it reported and hopefully therefore stopped.

And don’t make like after things go peaceful again and Jason is pretty much out of your lives thanks to his mom, that Dolly is okay and will go immediately to Chuck for a boyfriend.  She’s not okay and while you guys don’t see one another as much as you profess to wanting to, something in you still should know, still should be more aware that she’s hurting from the guy who said he loved her now all of a sudden not having anything to do with her.

That guy you’re gonna meet in the lobby afterschool one day, while waiting for Pat to get out of a play rehearsal?  His name’s Will.  He’s gonna be an important part of the second half of your junior year, and most of that summer, as well.  You go down and talk to Mr. Maltzman, your guidance counselor, an awful lot about stuff concerning Will.  Believe what Mr. Maltzman says.  You’ve got a good head on your shoulders.  Believe in yourself.  Go with your instincts.  As far as Will, the only things I’ll give away are these: yes, he ditches you for the junior prom, but it’s okay cuz you still have a good time and end up going to an all-night party afterwards.  He gives you one Hell of an *interesting* summer.  And there’s a line you keep saying, during the whole thing with him.  "I’d rather be hurt by a jerk than miss out on knowing a great guy."  Well, you do get hurt by a jerk, but it makes you stronger, and brings you closer with someone else later.

That someone else is Mike.  He makes you happier than you’ve ever been.  But beware; that initial happiness comes at a steep price later on.  Though you’re not aware of exactly how steep for quite awhile.  But even while you’re happy with him, (after all, he is your first real boyfriend,) don’t ignore your friends.  Time apart from the one you’re with is a good thing.  Make sure you remember that, and make sure you impress that upon him as well.

He’s going to make you aware of exactly how bad your temper gets.  Though, once again, the lesson won’t sink in until later.  But when it does, oh, boy, prepare to get your ass kicked!  You need to learn it, though.  So I’m not going to tell you to not do anything, except in one case.  Do not, I repeat, DO NOT slam the door.  You’ll know what I mean when that argument comes.

And arguments will come with Mike.  About his mom, about his brother . . . Heh.  His brother.  Do me a favor.  Be smarter than I was.  DON’T you DARE ask him to read your eyes.  He uses it as an excuse to break you and Mike up so you’d focus on yourselves instead of another case of emotional abuse that someone the three of you knew was going through.

Make more of an effort to not be sarcastic with Melanie and the surveys she sends out.  So you get sick of geting them through E-mail, so what?  Just E-mail her and politely say while you enjoy getting E-mails from friends, the surveys are kinda getting old.  Cuz both your temper and hers get out of control and you both say things you shouldn’t.  And then, because of your temper and her stubborness, (and your stubborness and probably her temper as well,) you have a two year hiatus from one another.  Or roundabouts of two years.  Maybe just one?  I can’t remember.  In any case, though you never truly believe it’ll happen until much later, she does become one of your best friends, and you become one of hers.  (Though, while you have a right to the opinion, state better in your OD that you don’t get a good feeling off her boyfriend, Kenny.  A whole mini-thing starts because of that opinion, but I think it’ll go better if you fully write out your thoughts instead of working with a choppy train.)

You re-meet Jason again, and that throws your mind into chaos for awhile.  And for a good long time after you break things off because you deserve better than a secret friendship, your heart longs for him, and you remain in love with him.  That changes, though, when you meet Rob.  Rob, I still can’t put my finger on why, will remind you of Jason.

But honestly–  You know what?  I’m not gonna tell anything about Rob.  Cuz if I do, it might change what you do, and trust me, that’s not something you wanna do.  Guaranteed, you can go without some of the thoughts that enter your head, but you wouldn’t be where you are without them.  The only thing I’ll advise, though, is when your parents give you the money when you’re in Wichita, don’t give any to Rob.  Don’t pay off his doctor bills.  Don’t put some towards his student loans.  They’re his bills, let him handle them, because he sure as Hell wouldn’t help you out if the situation were reversed.  Save that money.  In fact, save some of every paycheck you ever receive.  Trust me, it’s a good idea.

Thanks to things with Rob, you almost lose your faith in people as a whole in May of 2008.  But you get some pretty unexpected help from your manager at Domino’s.  He’s this incredible guy named Drew.  It matters to him that you weren’t laughing and smiling.  And trust me, that will mean more to you than I know how to describe.  But trust me, it makes a deep and lasting impact.

In August of ’08, you bring the Red Binder to work.  Let’s just say you never expect your thoughts to turn the way they do.  But even though how they turn gives you some heartache over the next bit-over-a-year, all in all, it’s worth it.  Because right now, on November 15th, 2009, I’m happy.

All in all, live the way I did.  Just make three changes.  One, in that argument with Mike, don’t slam the door.  Two, remember what you told Mike in late ’05, because forgetting and then hormones will make it come around and bite you in the ass.  Three, tell Drew on Feb. 27th, 2009 that you’re not a tease, and you really need to know how far he’s expecting things to go.  Other than that, things really do work out for the best, even if sometimes you take the long way around to get there.

Oh, maybe a fourth thing: Do not be stupid enough to trust Dan.  No matter what other people think of him, no matter how good of a friend they think he is or has been, or will be to them, do not trust him.  It’s not worth it, and all it causes you in the end is heartache.

Yeah, to this day, he’s not forgiven.  Not fully.  But you do move on.  But then… maybe you should go through that Hell, because thanks to doing so, you did something that you never would’ve had the guts to otherwise.  And it helped lead you to the situation you’re in now.

Lol, (that means laugh out loud.  It’s internet speak. Oh, yeah, you actually become a proficient typist during your senior year.  Amazing, huh?) I guess you should just live life as it comes.  You go through Hell multiple times, and want to give up, and a few times almost do.  But there’s always someone there to pull you back.  And when you’re the one pulling yourself back, there are people behind you ready to talk and support you.  You feel it numerous times, but remember, you are never truly alone.

Sincerely,
Your 27-year-old self,
Kate.