I Know How This Ends . . .

::Sighs::  Yeah, I’ll explain yesterday’s insanely worried, fearful, and paranoid ramblings later.  I was worried, scared, and paranoid over nothing, thank God.

I noticed, back before, several years ago, when I’d write my cynical, depressed, thoughtful, or all of the above, entries, there was almost a poetry about how I’d write.  There was this smoothness that I don’t know if I posess anymore.  I don’t know, something about that quote in the entry I wrote several days ago, about "Misery, that cruel tormentor…" or however I exactly phrased it.  It was really well-written.  I was impressed with myself, reading it back, just because it’s been so long since I looked over any of the entries from that time.  I probably should more often, just to remind myself of what was.

Heh . . .  What was . . .  Right now, I’m floating in a sea of ‘what was,’ but from a different perspective this time around.  See, Mike and I were only together for about three years.  Then, early 2003, we had yet another argument, whether it was something over Dan, his mom, or miscellaneous other, I don’t know, but I broke up with him and took off the Cladaugh ((sp?)  It’s that ring with the heart, hands, and crown,) ring I’d been wearing since . . . I don’t even remember when I got it.  He had one, too.  He kept his on, as far as I remember, but I *think* turned it so the point of the heart was facing outward.  (The point of the heart is supposed to point to you if you’re part of a couple.)

Anyway.  For almost another three years, Mike and I were in this weird kind of stasis period, where we weren’t together, but we never actually announced that we were broken up so while people undoubtedly suspected, and figured there was something off about us, all it was was suspicion.  We never had a definite time back then where one of us stood up and said, "Yes, we are broken up.  We’re no longer a couple.  Both of us are single."

Not to mention the fact that, right after that happened, and especially when it was apparent that he wasn’t enrolling in Brookdale again because of whatever reasons, I should have said, "Look, if we’re gonna salvage anything, you need to move out.  Go up to your dad and grandma’s, and we’ll take things from there."  But I didn’t.  We remained living in my parents’ house, both of us under the same roof, always being around one another, always getting in each other’s way . . .  Where one of us went, the other followed, plain and simple.

I hated it after awhile.  Heck, I hated it to begin with.  Yes, back when we first got together, I felt he was the One.  I felt he was the love of my life.  And I absolutely believed him when he told me he would always be in my life.  That he’d never leave me.  That he’d always be there.  He was the first person since everything with James in 8th grade that I decided to put faith in that I would know five, ten, twenty years down the line.

But as time went on, him saying that I would never be rid of him became more of a burden than a promise.  It became a ball and chain that I was trapped by.  He was making it loud and clear that he still loved me, that he wanted us to be together.  Yet that he didn’t think he could be together with me if he knew I’d gone off and had another boyfriend, or even another date and kissed another guy.  And because of my own confusion where feelings for him were concerned, I held myself back.  I wanted to be free.  I wanted to pursue other relationships, see what other kinds of people were out there, test the waters basically, and if Mike trumped them all, I would happily come back and be with him.  But I wanted that freedome to choose.  I wanted to be able to be free.  Not be held back by someone saying they couldn’t deal with it if I even casually dated another guy.

I didn’t want to be followed.  I wanted my own life.  I began holding things back from him.  If I went and did something, I wouldn’t necessarily tell him.  Or I’d just say that I was at such and such place by myself, or was hanging out with such and such person.  I didn’t lie to him, but I wouldn’t give specifics.  I’d be as vague as possible, holding my thoughts in to myself because I was desperate to have something that was just . . . mine.  Maybe that’s part of why so many of the previous entries in here are aimed to depression and anger and thoughtfulness.  I had to get the thoughts out somewhere, and I did want feedback on them, because that’s what I was used to getting.  I’d talk to Mike, he’d give me feedback, and even today, my God, I loved our conversations!  I loved how we could just talk, skipping from subject to subject, yet it being seamlessly interwoven, and if there ever was a loose end, or if one of us had another point to make about an old conversation, we could literally pick it up after hours, days even! and just continue to talk.

But when I wanted that seperation from him, I held things in.  Both because I wanted my own space, and because even if I did want to talk to him, if it was something I was in need of breaking down about, he’d start freaking out, thinking I was gonna break, and I’d end up comforting him, instead of able to vent my own thoughts.  During those times, I was forced inward, into my own head, into my own thoughts, because if I couldn’t vent to the guy who supposedly loved me . . .

And during that period, I really didn’t have any other close friends.  Yeah, there was the whole thing with Jason, but talking to him was a lot like pouring water into a pitcher that is never full.  Can never be filled.  You keep putting more and more in, but never get anything in return.  And I’m a person who thrives on verbal feedback.  There were a couple other people I’d talk to sometimes.  Melanie being one, Jason of course, Dolly when we could talk, Joey through E-mail, Andy through this site.  But . . . it was never the same.

Heh . . . It occurs to me I’ve gone way off-topic.

Drew and I . . .  Drew and I are broken up right now.  He’s said that after what happened Tuesday night, (anyone who wants that story and isn’t on my faves list, please let me know, I’ll add you so you can read it,) that all we can be is friends.

I hate it.

I love him.

I want to be together with him.

I don’t want to be broken up.

But it dawned on me last night that if I don’t accept this and let him work through it, (and hopefully be there to some degree to talk to him and help him through it,) then we’re not going to ever get back together.  Mike never accepted the break up until it was basically done on his terms.  When he decided to set me free and go and pursue other friendships and relationships.  I’m not going to do that in this situation.  I’m not going to let that weird stasis period overcome Drew and me.  I may hate it with every fiber of my being, but I have to accept that right now, we’re broken up.

Huh . . .  Weird . . .  That Kelly Clarkson song, Because of You.  The first few lines definitely seem to fit in this situation.  "I will not make/the same mistake that you did/I will not let myself/cause my heart so much misery/I will not break/the way you did you fell so hard/I learned the hard way/to never let it get that far…"

I’m on Mike’s side of almost the exact same situation now.  I know how this ends.  Or rather, I know how it ends if he follows my role and I follow Mike’s.  But I can’t do it.  Even if I have to force myself, I have to forge a different path.  I’m not going to ultimately lose him because of stupid mistakes that I know how to avoid if I just use my head.