Hardest Decision?

I decided to check out the theme of the week.  What was the hardest decision you’ve ever had to make?  It’s a good question.  And I have no idea what the answer is.

::Sighs::  There’s so many thoughts flying around my head, concerning Drew mainly.  I just . . .  God, we’re so similar!  Or at least, when I had a temper, we were.  We’re still so similar now, though.  When I think about his reactions and hypothesize on the reasons behind them, they’re so easy to decipher, because all I have to do is think in terms of myself.  Sometimes there are differences.  Like, when he’s pissed/upset, he doesn’t even want to be touched.  He just wants to be left alone and nothing’ll change that.  Me, yeah, I wanna be left alone, but at the same time, I want someone to come up and hug me, ask if I’m okay, etc.  It’s the contradiction in me, I guess.  I admit, he may have that same contradiction, but I haven’t found any real evidence of it yet.

How do I stay one step ahead of what used to be my temper?  I should be able to, right?  But God, it’s difficult . . .  And of course, he still has those moments, (or days,) where he’ll shut himself off from me, not want to talk about anything, tell me things are none of my concern, etc.  I’ll give him that yes, he has the right to keep things private if he wishes, (and I’ve never told him anything different,) of course it’s my concern because I’m concerned about him.  He doesn’t believe I love him.  Or perhaps he does, but he doesn’t want to acknowledge that he believes it.  And he doesn’t want to acknowledge that he feels the same way back.  As far as I can tell, the main thing with Drew is that he doesn’t want to be alone.  He still wants to find someone to be his other half, the person that he can grow old with, but at the same time, he doesn’t want to have to answer to anyone else.  He wants the independence of being single, but he wants someone by his side.  Interesting little contradiction in his own right, huh?

He’s so afraid of letting anyone in.  And I mean, I can’t blame him, to a degree.  He’s been screwed over, abandoned, or betrayed literally since the day he was born.  With everything that I’ve heard about him going through, it’s amazing that he has hung on to caring.  And I know there’s a Hell of a lot that I don’t know about, which just makes it that much more amazing.  But he’s wary.  He thinks that, given enough time, I’ll cease to care about him, just like so many other people have in his life.  And there’s no way for me, through words, to assure him that that’s not the case.  Words are meaningless to me right now.  I can say all I want that I love him, that I’ll be there for him, that I won’t go, that I’m not gonna do the same kinda B.S. other people have done to him, yet in the end, what it really comes down to is will my actions prove my words correct, or false?

I wish I did have some magical way of making him believe that I’m different.  That I won’t screw him over the way other people have.  But just like me, he wants proof.  And proof like that can’t be given with words.  It takes time.  And then more time.  And sometimes, more time on top of that.  I know he trusts me more than he used to, but he’s told me flat-out he doesn’t fully trust anyone.  He doesn’t want to, I don’t think.  And I think the reason for that is because when you trust someone, when you give them that much of yourself, they have a power over you.  And simply, that power is the power to hurt.  The power to do immense emotional damage.

I just wish he realized how similar we are!  I was terrified of falling in love with him back in late August/early September.  I didn’t want to be hurt, either.  I was scared to death of realizing that I loved him, and I actually tried to deny that to myself for about three or four days before saying something to him.  But I’ve given him the key to my heart, (metaphorically speaking, (and somewhat realistically speking, considering I gave him a card with a key drawn in it and that saying of "He who holds the key can open my heart,")) and I don’t intend to ask for it back.  I just wish he would trust me with what’s in his.

There are times he does.  The first week of September . . .  Well, here comes admission time.  Heh . . .

I’ve written in here before about how I always promised myself I’d remain a virgin till marriage.  About how I found it just plain irresponsible that someone would have sex before marriage and financial security.  And I’m aware that this admission will make me something of a hypocrite.  Because . . . September 9th, 2009, I lost my virginity.

I do still hold that sex should be waited for as long as possible.  I mean, I’m sorry, but teenagers having sex is just irresponsible.  Teenagers have enough drama and whatnot that they go through in high school, they don’t need to add ‘risk of pregnancy’ to the list.  On the other hand, sex in itself was . . . nothing like I expected.  In certain ways, I’m glad I didn’t wait till marriage.  I want my wedding night to be amazing, and if I’d remained a virgin till then . . . Well, here’s one thing I can definitely say about sex: the first time flippin’ HURTS!  (So did the second, third, fourth, for the record.  There’s still a bit of discomfort, but it’s dissipating.)

Just so anyone knows, because I know this may cross some peoples’ minds who know how strong my conviction for waiting had been, no, I was not pressured.  I made this decision on my own and Drew didn’t coerce or pressure me in any way.  As a matter of fact, I think he was surprised as Hell when I told him I wanted us to do it.  He just kinda went still and said, "What?" like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.  He honored my request, too.  I’d asked that he be gentle.  And he was.

Okay, sorry if that’s too much information for some people.  The point is, after that first time, we talked.  He admitted things to me, I asked about a few different things and he actually answered . . . It was nice.  I wish we could have more conversations like that.  But there are definitely times and places to bring things up with him, as well as to not bring stuff up.  There are a few different things I’d like to discuss with him right now, but I’m having to bide my time, because if I try now, I won’t get anywhere.  He’ll just get annoyed and either up and end the subject and not only refuse to discuss anything regarding it, but refuse to even listen to anything I try to say.

Lol, I sometimes feel like I’m walking a tightrope.  He has so many red buttons that can accidentally be pushed, and he gets annoyed if I accidentally do, simply because it’s been something that another person has purposely insulted him about in the past.  ::Sighs:: 

Well, I think that’s about all the mental spewageI can do for today.  Till next time . . .