My Savior Complex
A long time ago, I would sit in the dining room and type on the word processor my parents have. It was something of a diary that I would print out. I still have the pages I printed out, too. They were mainly letters to Mike where I would try to get out things I hadn’t been able to talk to him about, or wanted to and wanted to get the things out at one in the morning or something. Hence, why I would type them and show them to him later. Anyway. One of the letters talked about . . . I don’t remember exactly what it was, but it was something in regards to falling for Mike. That part of why it scared me was because I could see myself falling, and then if things went bad between us, I’d stay down. I’d never get back up. Not to where I was. I would fall and it would be my undoing because I’d be nothing more than someone dependent on others for my own happiness. Always looking to others to fulfill what I should be able to, but had never learned how.
I know Melanie never meant me having a savior complex was a bad thing. And I never saw it as a bad thing. Just something that far too often gave me bad results. I still do maintain, everyone deserves to be saved, whether that be from unhappiness, a bad relationship, feeling worthless, feeling desperate, wanting to escape, etc. And I do think that there’s a certain someone out there to save certain other someones. The only bad part is mixing up when you’re saving someone and when someone sees you as a crutch.
The crutch thing happened with both Mike and Rob. The way they were when I knew them, (and the way Rob probably still is, to be honest,) they were only too content to let someone else takes the reigns and control things. Once that step was started, so was me stepping into the role of ‘therapist’ rather than ‘girlfriend.’
That was never a problem at the start of me and Mike’s relationship. We traded those roles often enough, therapist-patient and boyfriend-girlfriend. But eventually, we fully stepped into the therapist-patient roles, but couldn’t fully separate ourselves from the whole ‘us’ aspect. Thus, any progress that was made when we were in therapist-patient mode was more often than not nullified by an argument that would arise thanks to what was left of our crumbling relationship and the outside influences that ultimately made it end.
Rob . . . Rob just needed a mommy figure. And probably still needs one. He strikes me as the type to always need someone to take care of him because he’ll never learn well enough how to do it on his own. And either the girl’ll be a two-bit piece of fluff as two-dimensional as he is, and therefore, perfectly happy to take care of him, or she’ll be a stronger woman, but not strong enough to get out of the relationship when she realizes, "Oh, crap, he actually can’t take care of himself and now I’m stuck with him."
That’s one of the things I love about Drew. And that’s why this savior complex situation is turning out differently. And will continue to be different. Drew’s not one to just roll over and be helpless. He doesn’t want to be dependent on anyone, for anything. Now, that can be a bad thing in and of itself, I admit, because no one can do everything alone. However, it does mean that he’s not going to just let someone come in and take charge. When someone tries, he pushes back, voicing his own ideas and opinions, and making sure he’s heard. And if he wants things done his way, they’re done his way. (At least, until one finds a way around his way, lol.)
It’s difficult, gaining the trust of someone like him. But I’m managing it. Heck, yesterday, I woke up with one of my God-awful headaches, (of which I luckily don’t get very often,) and ended up sleeping until two in the afternoon. (When I get those headaches, pretty much all I can do is lie there in as bearable position as possible and try to sleep through it til the pain subsides. As I said, luckily, this doesn’t happen very often.) Anyway, apparently at first, Drew was pissed I wasn’t answering my phone. (When I finally turned it on, I had 12 texts and 4 voicemails from him!!!) But then he got worried, and was actually telling Ed that he was worried about me.
Lol, okay, I’m getting really tired and I’m not sure where I wanted to go with this entry now. So, yeah . . . This is me, leaving. ::Waves:: Bye!