As The Pizza Cooks

I have no idea why I decided to come up with this.  It probably had to do with Ed’s antics at the store.  Lol.  He’s this fifty-three year old, 400 pound, hilariously funny guy who works as a driver at Marlboro.  Anyway, I came up with the whole idea for soap opera-like short stories that take place at Domino’s.  So far, I’ve only written one, but here it is, for your disgust and enjoyment.  And yes, the stuff mentioned in here is how we talk, how we interact, and stuff that actually goes on in the store.  Of course, you’ll be able to tell where reality ends and liberties of fiction writing take over.  Oh, by the way, I had Ed read this aloud in the store after I wrote it, and he made a point of semi-acting out the things I have him do in this story.  Lol, it was hilarious.

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Episode One: As Ed’s Stomach Turns

Kate sat in her normal place, on the metal do-hickey in fron of the stacks of medium boxes.  Drew was in the office, playing with a couple of Star Wars action figures, quoting the lines of Qui Gon or Yoda or Annakin to himself.

Suddenly, the front door of the store burst open.  Ed, having nearly torn the door off it’s hinges in his haste to get inside, waddled through the second door and headed straight for the back, where the small closet of a bathroom was.

Kate unfolded her legs and stood, following Ed.  "Hey, why didn’t you clock in?"

"No time . . . bad cheese . . . gotta sh*t . . .  NOW!" Ed huffed as he entered the bathroom.  About fifteen seconds later, she heard a steady stream of plops and n enormous sigh of relief from Ed.

"I seriously hope he made it in the toilet this time," Kate muttered.  She didn’t stay to find out.  Instead, she took the liberty of clocking Ed in and once again sitting by Drew, who had begun play fighting with an authentically replicated light saber.  "Ed in the bathroom?" he asked.

Kate nodded.  "He said something about bad cheese."

Drew gave a short laugh.  I told him that chicken parm was no good."  He stalked over the bathroom door, holding the light saber in front of him; for protection or humor, Kate wasn’t sure.  He banged on the bathroom door.  "You hear that?  I told you the cheese on the chicken parm was bad!"

"Do I look like someone who refuses meals?" was the reply.

"No, no, you don’t," Drew said quietly.  "But you also don’t look like someone dumb enough to finish off three pieces of chicken topped with bad cheese."

Another series of plops could be heard, this time culminating in a groan from Ed.  "Damnit!  There’s not enough toilet paper in here!"

"What about those wipes of yours?" Kate asked, joining Ed by the door.  (Yes, he actually does carry these wipes things he has in his pocket.)

"I only got two left!  This sh*t’s too f**kin’ big for two wipes!"

Kate raised her eyebrows, grinned, and found herself backing slowly away from the door.  Drew did as well, his light saber still front and center, as if the cloud of stench swelling from beneath the bathroom door would transform into a tangible being that could be fought.

They heard a flushing sound from within, even in the midst of more plops.

"Oh, sh*t!" Ed yelled.  "I plugged up the damn toilet!  It’s gettin’ my ass all wet!"

"Uh, oh," Drew said.  He looked at Kate and pointed at the front door.  "Run."

Kate didn’t question the order; instead, she turned and ran, Drew close behind.  They went outside and Drew barricaded the door with a broomstick he’d grabbed on his way out.

They watched from outside as a green, undoubtedly putrid cloud wafted its way through the store.  The bathroom door appeared to pulsate and finally it burst open with what appeared to be a wall of yellow water and feces, Ed riding on top of it.

Kate’s eyes widened as Drew undid the broom and opened the door, hiding behind the other side.  Kate gave him and odd galce, but quickly realized his reasoning and did the same, just as the tsunami of water carrying Ed hgushed through the doorway.  Not only did the yellow water cascade over him, but so did several mounds of brown stuff, some toilet paper, and about half the pizza screens in the store.

"Man," Ed said, removing a wad of saturated toilet paper from his ear, "that was one big sh*t!"

The End.

You may now gag.  Lol.  Let’s just say I’ve heard more stories about what comes out of Ed than anyone would want to know.  Though some of them are really quite hysterical.  He has me doubled over laughing most of the time we’re in the store.&nb

sp; Now, I admit, people who know me know that getting me laughing is not a hard thing.  Keeping me laughing for as long as Ed has, though, that takes skill.