Breaking/Why People Stay

Florida Flower recommended I let myself break, and only then could I put the pieces back together correctly.  I completely agree, to a point.  I’m not going to let myself break.  If nothing else, I’ve proven to myself time and again that I’m too strong to let myself succumb to that kind of weakness.

I’ve yet to write about the entire situation when I last saw Rob, but suffice it to say, it didn’t end well.  It ended on a Friday night, and I spent I don’t know how long that night, crying on and off.  May 9th, oddly enough, considering the significance that date should have and does hold for me . . .

Anyway, I took a shower that night after coming in from walking and crying in the rain.  I couldn’t concentrate on reading anything, I couldn’t think of a single movie to watch that didn’t either remind me of Rob or have some kind of romantic undertone, and I couldn’t even contemplate trying to write anything, fiction or diary-wise.  And the idea of belting out a song hasn’t been a way to release frustrations for me in a few years, thanks to Mike . . .

With all my vices (usual ways of dealing with situations like that) gone, I didn’t know what to do.  So since I needed one anyway, I got in the shower and decided to just let the water pummel me.  I made the water as hot as I could stand it, turning the cold down throughout the time until it was off altogether, and let it stream down my face as the tears mingled in, and I contemplated cutting myself.  I even found myself picturing the different knives my mom has in the kitchen drawer, and I was debating which one was the sharpest, so it would be a clean cut, instead of me hacking away at my wrist and only getting a red welt.  Cuz a good deal of our knives would cut through bread or fruit or meat just fine, but they really aren’t that sharp.  I did think of one I could use, though.  And while I was in the shower, the hot water cascading down my back, I held my left arm up and looked at it, picturing a diagonal cut and red blood flowing down my arm.  I even tried to imagine how much (or little) it would hurt to do this.

But those thoughts didn’t remain for long.  I have an addictive personality, and I know this.  I’ve known it for some time.  You know the original Legend of Zelda game for NES?  I can’t tell you how many times I walked in and out of the old man’s gambling den because I could not walk away from the damn place until I won, or lost all my rubies, the latter of which happened more often than not.  But yeah, that’s an example, and the thing that first made me realize that I have such an addictive personality.

And once logic took over my mind, I lowered my arm and realized that even though my usual vices couldn’t comfort me right then, it was no reason to begin a new, unhealthy vice.

Joey once told me I was the emotionally strongest person he knew.  Just when I begin thinking I’m not as strong emotionally as he believes, I gte proven wrong with an example like this.

Like I said, I’m not gonna break.  I refuse to let myself.  However, I am working at piecing myself back together correctly.  In hindsight, I realize that I had the chance to do that my senior year.  Around January, senior year, I’d finally come to the point where I was happy with my life.  I was single, but for the first time in my life, I was happy about it.  I had great friends, (or so I thought,) I had a best friend who, even though he wasn’t Dolly, understood me back then like no one else ever could, and school was going well.  I should have gone with that mindset, of just focusing on being happy the way I was, letting myself be happy being single instead of being swept up in what I thought was romance and the love of my life.  Just when I was learning to be happy in singledom, I get a boyfriend.  Ironic, no?  Heh . . .

And since the final ending with Mike, I’ve been having to relearn that lesson all over again, and completely get it this time.  Because the first time around, I never let myself fully learn and accept it.  I just realized that for once, I was opkay being single, that I didn’t need a boyfriend, but I never reveled in that and really took the time to focus on myself and learn about who I am, what I want and don’t want out of a relationship, and most importantly, what I do and don’t want out of myself throughout the course of my life.

I’m having to learn that now.  And it’s going well, for the most part.  Especially after Rob, I know what I definitely DON’T want in a relationship with someone.  And in the course of being with Rob, then breaking up, then trying to be friends, then getting back together, then only doing a hook up kind of thing (just with kissing,) I realized why people stay with others they don’t really want to be with.  And why people will settle with people who aren’t everything that they want in a husband/wife.

So often, it’s easier to pretend to love someone than to accept being alone.

But I’m through pretending.  I’d rather be alone than with someone who can’t satisfy me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually.

No, I didn’t expect to be able to hold onto my innocence through my entire life.  I just wish it hadn’t been stripped away the way it has.

But I’ll heal.  One day, somehow, I’ll heal.  Heh.  There’s a quote from someone on here that I remember.  She said, "If someone out there can create these scars, someone else can heal them."

Well, I’m done searching for someone to heal my scabs and scars.  It’s going to hurt, it already does hurt, but I’m going to heal them myself.  I’ll always carry those scars, but at least I know I’m strong enough to not inflict physical scars myself.

P.S.–To anyone who reads me who does/did cut, I’m not trying to call you weak, or insult you in any way.  I do consider cutting a weakness of mind, but also, overcoming it shows an enormous amount of strength.