One Of Those Days

Odd that Mike and I were collaborating on a story with this name . . .

Yeah, I wasn’t doing too great today with things concerning him.  And I really have to buy a printer soon.  I’m gonna be writing papers and stuf for classes and I also wanna be able to print out my novels.

Well, for your reading analysis/morbid enjoyment, here’s the letter I wrote to Ryan today about what I was thinking.

Ryan,

Sorry to dump this all on you, but I’ve gotta talk to someone.  I don’t know if I’m not fully over things or if I’m just having a mini-emotional breakdown, or if it’s just this time of year or something, but . . . Yeah.  Not doing well.  I’m not going nuts or anything, or feeling suicidal.  I don’t swing that way.  Heh.  Part of what makes me unique, I suppose.  I could be completely freaking out, and yet if I perceive someone else in a worse situation, you’d never know how I feel because I’m that emotionally strong.  ::Sighs::  Sometimes I wish I wasn’t.  Sometimes I wish I could break.  Because then, someone else could help me.  Someone else would notice I wasn’t as strong as I make out to be.

Yet on the same token, I know other people realize that.  The ones closest to me, like you, Melanie . . .  Yet, you’re not psychologists.  Most of the time, all I do need is someone I can talk to and vent to, but more and more, I’m wondering if professional help is the way to go.

I’d love to be able to stop, but I can’t turn my brain off.  I can’t stop thinking about, or remembering things with Mike.  It’s part of what makes me wonder if I’m borderline OCD.  When someone, or something, is on my mind, that’s where it stays.  I’ll try to get them, or it, out of my head, but so often, it doesn’t work.  There are other things, too.  Sometimes, and I’m sure it just looks like I can’t keep my fingers still, but I’ll run my thumb over the same area of something numerous times, simply because the area next to where my thumb was when it was stationary doesn’t feel… right.  It’ll feel like . . .  It’ll feel like where my thumb is, is an imprint in sand.  And like there’s a little hill gathered around my thumb.  So, if I’m moving my thumb, it’s like I’m smoothing out the area.  Except the area’s already smooth.

Geez . . .  I feel nuts enough just describing that in my head, but seeing it written out that way . . .  It almost . . . sounds crazy and yet makes perfect sense.

::Sighs::  Okay, back on subject.  (Yeah, this E-mail might wander around a bit.  Try to bear with me.)  Like I said, Mike’s been on my mind recently.  I suppose watching those tapes of the past Halloween parties and such with Lexi wasn’t such a good idea.  Because now . . . I’m wishing that I could talk to him.  That things could go back to what they were.  That he and I could have some sort of relationship, friendship, something!  And it absolutely kills me that I have to continually tell myself no, don’t do this, talking to him is only gonna hurt you more.  And some part of me knows that’s absolutely true, because right now, I’m getting my hopes up and if I talk to him, they’re only gonna be shot down to a point where I’m in worse shape than I am now because of the very fact that I was dumb enough to hope, and dumb enough to have said hopes shot down completely and utterly.

And it absolutely kills me that I know for a fact, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that my hopes would be shot down.  That where he was once so open, so supposedly willing to forgive, that he won’t grant me that.  Hell, years ago, he lectured me . . .  Okay, bit of a back story.  When everything happened to me concerning James, back in eighth grade, I went a little nuts.  And during that period, I met this kid named Danny Stikes.  He was the one I always wanted you to help me prank when we first met.  The reason I always wanted to prank him was because I felt he’d screwed with me during our ‘friendship.’  But in reality, it was the other way around.  I screwed him over, and it was because I was so screwed up from everything with James.  I didn’t completely realize what I was doing or what the consequences of my actions would be.  But one consequence of what I’d done to Danny Stokes was tht he didn’t want me around.  He didn’t want me near him, and he probably, (definitely rightfully,) hated me.

I remember describing some of the things that went down between Danny and me to Mike.  And I remember, he said that I was a different person now, and that Danny should be willing to forgive me and give me another chance.  He said that everyone, seeing that someone has changed, should be willing to give them another chance.

I maintained that even if a person has changed, the one who was screwed over by them isn’t necessarily going to see that, and sometimes second chances don’t get to be given because the one person doesn’t feel the other deserves it.

Mike stayed on his moral high horse, saying that it was a loss for the first person, the one who got screwed over, to be that narrow-minded, because if the second one has truly changed, they’d be missing out on knowing a good person.

And I can’t help remembering that, and wondering, where is that mindset now where I’m concerned?  I’m not the same person I was back when he and I were together.  Hell, I’m not the same person I was when he moved out!  Yet, I’m not worth a second chance in his eyes.  And I don’t know why he’s worth another chance in my eyes!

Maybe it’s because I miss what we had.  Oh, Hell, I know it’s because I miss what we had.  That first summer, when he and I were just best friends, it was the greatest summer of my life, despite everything happening with/because of Will and Dolly.  Mike’s presence made it good.  Mike’s company made it incredible.  And I can’t even describe how much I miss that . . .

I mean, that was truly the summer everything fell apart between Dolly and me.  Just before school started, we had that "caput" conversation, and suddenly, I felt like I was free-floating.  Like suddenly I wasn’t tethered to earth anymore.  I didn’t have a best friend, so what was I?  But Mike was always there, to provide an ear to listen, or just to be there and give a hug.  Back then, I felt that if Dolly and I weren’t best friends . . . we were nothing.

Yet, maybe something in me knew that Dolly and I would come back together one day.  I know I certainly hoped for it, especially when things started getting weird.  I hoped that they could all go back to normal, but she just kept spiralling away from me, and I didn’t know how to deal with it or how to help.  Cuz how do you help someone who you realize you don’t know at all?  And I’d realized I didn’t know her at all.

But then, there was Mike.  He was there.  He was someone I could relate to.  Someone I did relate to.  Soemone who, virtually in a day, had taken the spot of ‘best friend’ in my heart and stayed there, through all these years, even though it was fo

rgotten that’s where he was for a long time.  He still holds that position, yet I get none of the feeling off of him that I did from Dolly.  There’s no unconscious comfort that one day, he’ll be back in my life.  No fantasies of ‘maybe one day…’ I can fool myself with.  With Dolly . . . I don’t know.  Dolly, I knew that if I ever wanted to, I truly could call her up and things would be like old times.  Maybe I tried to deny myself that numerous times, but it was still an inherent fact in my head.  ‘Call her, and it’ll be like no time has passed.’  Yeah, after we talk in that initial conversation, of course there’ll be things to hash out, but that first conversation, it would be like we’d never not spoken.

And when I did call her up, don’t you know, I was right?  After we realized neither of us was gonna hang up on the other, we were laughing like old times.  And we’ve had our share of things to work out, but we have.

But with Mike . . . It’s weird.  I don’t remember a literal physical ache when I thought about Dolly back when I wished we copuld still talk the way we had.  But Mike, there’s an actual, physical ache when I think about how things used to be and when I wish for . . . for what?  I don’t even know anymore.  Just . . . something.  Instead of this ache.  It’s a literal longing in my . . . not quite heart, not quite stomach.  Somewhere in-between.  A longing for . . . maybe not what we used to have, but for us to have something.  I hate the idea of nothing.  It absolutely kills me and it absolutely kills me that there’s virtually nothing I can do about it.  Cuz even if I was attractive enough, cunning enough, whatever-enough, to steal him away from Jill, I wouldn’t do it.  Not only because I refuse to sink to that level, but because I wouldn’t do that to her.  Plus, I realistically know that I’m not attractive enough to pull something like that off.  And it also comes down to why I think jealousy is stupid.  If someone wants to be with another person, someone else could try all they wanted to get them apart, but it wouldn’t work, because the two people want to be together.

I can’t help feeling like Mike’s supposed to be in my life somehow.  How, I have no idea.  Because he’s with Jill, and friendship between us . . . yeah, doesn’t seem too likely.

I don’t know.  I feel like I’m a combination of House and Wilson.  Wilson needs people who need people.  He gets something out of helping them but then is no longer attracted to them when they become too independent.  It’s a defeatist strategy.  No one can stay dependent for too long, so it means no truly long-term committment.  House, he doesn’t trust relationships at all.  He’s wrapped himself in a tight mental cocoon and relies on logic and calculated facts to prove his points and it’s all he preaches.  Yet his actions give away that despite his speeches on ‘everybody lies,’ and on not caring about others, it’s proven in episode after episode, that he actually does care.

I’m that combination.  That tight mental protective shield, yet caring actions.  But where House would deny that that’s true of himself, I acknowledge the fact.  Yet don’t want to change it.  Because even through acknowledgement of the contradiction of my words and actions, I’ve created a delicate balance, and one I don’t particularly want disturbed.  And there are very few people who I’ve acknowledged are chinks in this mental armor I’ve constructed.  You’re one, hence, why you’ve been reading all of this.  In a way, you’re my Wilson.

Thanks for listening to me babble.  I’d really like to know your thoughts on this, in some amount of detail, too.  So, I’m hoping you can get this back to me quickly, but if it takes a bit to give a long-ish response, just let me know, and I’ll wait, okay?

Bye. :/
Kate.

Yeah, so . . .  Today was not a good day.  When I went to Staples, I just kept sneaking my eyes around for a glance at him.  It was like if I saw him, then maybe my mind would be made up.  Either I’d chicken out/just plain not want to do it, or I’d end up going over and attempting to talk to him.  But he wasn’t there.

I ended up going to Game Factory just to look around at what was there and I ended up watching Matt play Bubble Bobble on the Nintendo Wii in the store.  Lol, I think that’s awesome.  It helped my mood a bit.  Then I got a phone call from Pam, so I went outside to take it and who do I see coming towards me but Melanie.  Turns out she was over there to get the practice hair style for the wedding to see how it looked and how it went with her tiara and veil, and she was stopping into Game Factory to say hi to Matt.  Well, after she came out, she asked if I wanted to come with her, so I did.  We went into the hair place and her mom and I sat next to her as she had this hairstyle done.  I gotta admit, no, it doesn’t really look like her, but it does look absolutely gorgeous.  Half of it is pulled up and set into ringlets that are pinned up in a bun type thing and the other half is down in curly ringlets, and she has curled ringlets that frame her face.  It looked awesome, even if the woman did use about six million bobby pins.  Lol, it took me, Lauren, and their mom to pull out all the bobby pins and get her hair free when we were back at her parents’ house.  Cuz about halfway through the hair trial, she asked if I wanted to do something after this, (or maybe it was just before it began,) and I said yeah, and we talked about going to see Fool’s Gold, that new Kate Hudson and Matthew Maconahay(sp?) movie.  It was playing at the Monmouth Mall at 8:40, but then we decided to just go out to eat someplace.  We attempted Chili’s, but the place was so crowded, I didn’t even bother looking for a parking spot.  We passed Friday’s, same thing.  Then, randomly, she said she wanted Red Lobster, so we ended up going there.  It was definitely worth it.  The stuffed flounder I had isn’t as good as at Cornucopia, but the biscuits more than made up for it.  (Yum…  )

After we were done eating, we went to Barnes and Noble and I got a new book, she got about five of them, four to read on the plane when she and Matt are going to the honeymoon.  (California.  Lucky!)

I’m so glad I ran into her today, though.  I don’t know.  Today just wasn’t a good day to start out with.  I suppose it’s the time of year.  Not so much with Valentine’s Day approaching, but the fact that the twenty-first is coming.  The day Mike and I got together back during my senior year.  I guess some dates and the feelings associated with those days stay with you.  Cuz remembering it now, knowing how happy I was back then . . . it just makes me sad now.

But at least I had a really good friend to spend a good deal of the day with, so that definitely helped improve things.    I love getting a chance t

o talk with Melanie.  Just because we both get to share what we’re doing, what songs or movies or books we’ve enjoyed recently, venting about people being stupid, sharing gossip about people we know, etc.

So that was my day.  And now tomorrow, I have to work till closing and then do the same on Sunday.  Bleh . . .  Oh, well, at least it’s money.