13 Reasons – James

Love Fool
By: The Cardigans

Dear, I fear we’re facing a problem,
You love me no longer I know and,
Maybe there is nothing that I can do to make you do.
Mama tells me I shouldn’t bother,
That I ought to stick to another man,
A man that surely deserves me.
But I think you do.

So, I cry and I pray and I beg,
Love me, love me, say that you love me,
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me,
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me,
Lead me, lead me, just say that you need me,
So I cry and I beg for you to
Love me, love me, say that you love me,
Lead me, lead me, just say that you need me,
I can’t care about anything but you,
Lately, I had desperately pondered,
Spent my nights awake and I wondered,
What I could have done in another way to make you stay,
Reason will not teach a solution,
I will end up lost in confusion,
I don’t care if you really care as long as you don’t go,

So, I cry and I pray and I beg,
Love me, love me, say that you love me,
Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me.
Love me, love me, pretend that you love me,
Lead me, lead me, just say that you need me,
So I cry and I beg for you to
Love me, love me, say that you love me,
Lead me, lead me, just say that you need me,
I can’t care about anything but you,
Anything but you,
Love me, love me,
Say that you love me,
Fool me, fool me,
Go on and fool me,
Love me, love me,
I know that you need me,
I can’t care about anything, but you.
 

James was the one who pretty much set up my parameter for friendship when I was young. He lived about two houses down, on the other side of the street from me. We met when we were four and became friends, but when school started, I don’t know, it was somehow just immediately acknowledged that he and I weren’t to talk during school hours. I was the scapegoat, you see, the one who was unpopular, and he had several other friends who would have teased him mercilessly if he’d admitted being friends with not only a girl, but the girl everyone else made fun of. So I accepted that we’d hang out after school or on weekends and such.

When either Tommy or Corey, or sometimes both of them, would join us, it wouldn’t be as much fun for me. Because you see, I thought I was in love with James. Heh . . . It seems so weird to say that now. But I thought I was. And I had our entire futures plotted out. We’d grow up, continue going to the same schools, freshman year, he’d admit we were best friends, maybe the end of sophomore year or the start of junior, we’d become a couple, we’d go to the prom together, senior year, everyone would know we were in love, I’d be accepted because I was with him, and senior year, right after the prom, he’d give me a promise ring, saying that one day we’d be engaged, but until then, we’d remain faithful to each other.

We’d go to the same college, get our degrees, get married, have our own place, etc., etc . . .

It never happened, obviously, but I’m getting ahead of myself.

Whenever I was around both James and Tommy, or James and Corey, or James and whoever, James would start treating me like I was less than him. I guess that’s the best way to phrase it. You know, like I wasn’t worth as much when someone else was around. He’d start making fun of me, insyulting me, laughing at me with the other person, even if he didn’t treat them that well, either. But because the other person was being included in whatever joke he was making, and because James was sort of the ‘king of the street,’ as it were, all that mattered was that James was including them in some pervertedly positive light.

I wish my parents had seen some of this stuff and put an end to my "friendship" with him. Because I see now that it wasn’t any sort of friendship. I was convenient to hang out with if no one better was around or he had nothing better to do. Not to mention, I was a pretty convenient scapegoat for him, too.

That "secret friendship" and the attitude I presented when we were in a group pretty much screwed me over for years. Because when we were in a group, I didn’t want to be excluded, so I would start being mean to whoever the third person was, just to remain on James’s good side.

To be honest, I’m still not good in groups, and it’s undoubtedly because of back then. I hated being in a group back then, preferring to just hang out with James at my house, drinking Kool-Aide and talking. In groups now, I always start feeling uncomfortable after awhile and wish I could just have time on my own, maybe with one other person.

After James’s and my friendship ended, I went a little nuts. I just couldn’t deal with him not wanting to be friends anymore, and as I said, I was convinced I was in love with him. I was convinced we were meant to be together, and how could we be together if he refused to speak to me?

It took a long time for me to pull myself back from the brink on that one. But I had a little help from my frineds, (Beatle title!) the Beatles.

And here’s where the 13 Reasons will start getting really interesting . . .