Summary Of 2007

As the very end of the year inches ever so slowly closer, I’ve realized a lot of things about myself and those around me, or who used to be around me.

The entire group that Mike has around him now, Shannon, Jacqui, Kathy, Colleen, Bryan, etc., they aren’t worth it.  They were too eager to listen to one side of the story and ignore the other, yet claim they heard and understood both.  And I’ve realized that I’m better off without negative people like that in my life.  I don’t need fair-weather friends who aren’t there when the going gets tough.  Because when the going got tough for me, they got going, without even the decency to tell me I was being avoided.  They just hoped I would get the hint and drift off.

As Rob once said of Shannon and Jacqui, that group is full of ditzes in smart people clothing.  And they won’t be able to keep up the charade forever.

Then there are the people like Melanie and Ryan.  Yeah, we’ve definitely had our rocky times.  We’ve had times where we didn’t speak or where talks were strained, arguments fought and feelings hurt, but we’ve come through them all and these two are definitely people I know I can count on.  We may not see each other every day.  There are times, moreso with Ryan, where we won’t see each other for months!  Yet we’re in one another’s hearts.  And that’s the important thing.  Because I know that if I had a problem that I needed to talk about, I could rely on both Melanie and Ryan to be willing to be there to listen, lend an ear, and try to help me or cheer me up.

And of course, there’s Mike.  Who could ever forget the amount of heartache and trauma he’s caused me over the years?  Most of which I wasn’t even aware I wasn’t over until the start/middle of this year!  After all, I’ve been complaining and moaning and crying over it more than enough in and outside of this diary.  And I’ve come to the conclusion recently, with more than a little help because of Ryan, that it’s not worth it.  Mike and I had what we had and it was dysfunctional from the start.  I’m not responsible for him or what happens to him and his mind and he’s made it perfectly (and previously painfully) clear that he wants nothing to do with me.

I find myself okay with that knowledge now.  He broke; he was broken when I met him.  He truly is just a weak little boy.  Physically strong, yes.  Mentally, no.  He broke and the only way that he can make himself feel better about when someone rejects them is to badmouth them, (though in clever and discreet ways,) to others and turn those others against the person.  He did it to someone before me and he did it to me.  But you know what?  I didn’t break.  I probably came damn near the breaking point, closer than I’d like to admit, but I’ve come out of it stronger than ever.  I’m more experienced, I’ve learned some useful things about myself, and I know who’ll stand by me when things get hard.

There are those who I don’t really know where I stand with as things are now.  Jill comes to mind, as does Rob, with that one.  But I suppose I’ll continue to feel my way along with those people.  If they become closer friends that I can truly trust, awesome.  If not, it’s not a huge deal.  We just weren’t meant to be close.

This year has come with a lot of heartache, a lot of tears, a lot of anger, and a whole lot of love.  It’s also come with the realization that I’m a pretty tough person.  I deserve to have friends around me who respect me, will listen to me, and will appreciate me for who I am, flaws and all.  And that’s who I’ve worked to surround myself with.  In return, I’ve tried to be the sort of friend who respects her friends, will listen to them, and appreciates them for who they are, flaws and all.

Here’s hoping 2008 will bring just as much personal growth, but a whole lot less heartache.