Going Favorites Only

I’m going favorites only for a bit because I don’t have an Open Diary Plus subscription, (anyone wanna give me one as a gift? I’ll be your best friend! J/k, but it would be really cool if someone did,) and frankly, I don’t wanna deal with anymore notes from Dolly about whatever. I’m sick to death of her, "You always have to be right" and "hate me if you will" crap. A) No, I don’t think I’m always right, but I sure as Hell am not gonna stand for being blamed for things that aren’t my fault. B) When did I ever i any of this say that I hated her? Never. Pissed off at being projected at with anger, yeah. Pissed off that she’s judging a situation she has no real knowledge of and therefore should not be judging, hell yeah. Pissed off that she won’t even acknowledge the possibility that I’ve changed in eight freakin’ years, damn-hell yeah! Hate her? No. Even when we weren’t talking for those two years, wile I was pissed as Hell that she was making the decisions she was, and wondering why she was being stupid enough to think they were good decisions at all, even then I never hated her. But God forbid she realize that . . .

But the more I think about it, the more I think that the only reason we made up and retained any kind of friendship back at the end of ’03 was because I was meant to keep that promise I made back whe we were kids. We’d promised one another when we were probably only about five or six, that we’d be the others’ maid of honor at our weddings. And I always felt bad that even though I despised Eric, when she got married to him, I wasn’t there to be said maid of honor. But I was for when she married Zeb. So perhaps that’s all I was meant to do. Be able to uphold that promise and then we go our seperate ways.

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m sick of stuff like this being the result of us seeing one another. It couldn’t just end on a good note. No, she has to go from pretty much all week saying how great me and Pam are to have come all that way, and how much she loved us, and how grateful she was that we could be there, to that last night, saying how selfish we are because we "only hung out with each other," and how she "was looking forward to hanging out with us and didn’t get to because we were always doing something else," and all that BS. It’s like, how do you go from one to the other?

All I can say is she can claim all she wants that she didn’t think we’d fix things. But see, I think she just wanted to be right about that; hence another reason why she waited till the last minute to say anything. Because we wouldn’t have time to prove her wrong. And she didn’t want to be proven wrong. She wanted us to go away feeling like sh*t because of what she said and the fact that we had no time to correct the things she perceived us to have done wrong, her all the while knowing that she was telling us then so we couldn’t correct it.

I’m done with it. I was there to be maid of honor. Now, I’m done. She wants me in her life, she can come to me. But if she can’t acknowledge that I’ve changed, that I’m different, that I see the world differently and look at situations differently than she’s always believing I do, then it’s just not worth it to me. To be honest, she’s a good mother. She’s a good wife. She projects on to Zeb, and admitted it, but it’s a fault she has to work on. Even so, they make a good family. She’s grown up and matured plenty since meeting Zeb and being away from Eric and being a mother to Bobby. But one area she just can’t seem to grow up in or acknowledge that things are different with is when dealing with me. So until she does, there’s just no point in us talking. Unfortunate, perhaps. But I don’t need someone judging me on present situations as if I was still fifteen, or had the maturity of a ten year old.

With that, for awhile, entries after this are favorites only.

"Remember, remember, the fifth of November, the gun powder treason and plot.  I know of no reason why the gun powder treason should ever be forgot." ~V.

(Shouldn’t it be "forgotten?")