Breakthrough

I think I made one today.  See, I’ve been picturing in my head the past couple of days what it might be like if I actually had a conversation with Jill, the one who’s with Mike now.  Some stuff went down with her and me about two years ago and apparently she regrets how things happened and recently I heard she wants to talk to me.  Anyway, I was talking to myself, imagining how a conversation could go, and it kind of got away from me and my thoughts went to Mike.  And I imagined her saying that he didn’t want her to talk to me because he thought I’d try to break them up.  And when I posed the question back at the imaginary Jill of why would I try to break them up, make-believe her answered, "Because Mike thinks you want him back."

I already know these thoughts and things have come from my own mind, and therefore some small part of me may want him back.  I decided to examine that part of me.  I went from a standpoint of "I want him back because…" and "I don’t want him back because…"

And you know, the only thing I could come up with for the first one was "because of our past?"

I couldn’t think of a single good trait that I know he still has to finish that sentence with.  You know, like I couldn’t say, "because he keeps his promises."  Or something like that.

Heh…  I found a couple poems I’d written for him back during my senior year, when we were still in the new phase of our relationship.  That’s what I find kinda funny about what Melanie said where they were concerned.  She said they were doing good as a couple.  But they’ve only been going out since March.  That’s only around six months now.  I held my tongue in front of her, but I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Yeah, Mike and I did well in the first six months, too.’  It was later that everything turned to sh*t.

I’m slowly getting over it, though.  I’m still avoiding Staples and Game Factory.  Melanie said she’d tell me when he’s over there so that I can avoid that day, since I guess he only goes one day a week, same day.  I almost don’t want her to, though.  Cuz then I’d know.  And I’d be tempted to go over there because I know they’ll be there.  See if either of them does have the guts to speak to me.  Or if they’ll just ignore me.  Or if they’ll make nice and talk to me as if I’m someone who could explode into hysterics at any second.  I don’t know.  Them ignoring me is most likely.

The other half of me does wnat to know when they go there, though.  Because knowing my luck, the day I decide, "Okay, this is it, I’m going over there," will be the day that he comes and it’ll just breed a bad result.

On the upside, the day after we started sleeping in the dining room, (me and Rob, I mean, because work was started on the garage,) the guy upstairs who rents our spare room stopped smoking in the house.  Turns out he was just opening the window and smoking out it.  But Rob got my dad inside and said, "Here, take a nice deep breath."  Finally, my dad smelled the smoke and he went up and said for the guy to put it out cuz, "it’s really killing them downstairs."  And Rob and I were both amazed at his stupidity when we heard him reply, "Oh, I got the window open, they can smell that down there?"

But at least the house is smoke-free again.  Now it just needs to fade out of the stuff my mom was dumb enough to leave in there.