Perspective On The Past

This thing is awesome.  It’s the end from the concert version of Les Mis that PBS showed about . . . At least five years ago.  My dad was never able to record it, but Mike’s dad did.  When I watched the end, I loved it, because all the different Jean Val Jeans are singing a line or two from ‘Do You Hear The People Sing?’ in their own language.  It’s so freaking awesome.  And you gotta wonder how hard it was for all these different people from different countries singing in different languages to follow along and sing the correct line at the correct time.

Anyway.  Had a definitely weird dream last night.  Jill was an animagus, she’d turned into a white kitten with black stripes and seeked me out so she could tell me she and Mike broke up because he had some kind of accident and went down to Stockton to fix the problem.  Weird.

Last night, someone from Rob’s job called up.  The three of us hung out a bit earlier.  She came over here and we were gonna watch a movie, but we mostly just ended up talking about movies, music, and stuff like that.  Her name’s Ruth and she’s pretty nice.

The point is, she called up and Rob answered.  Then he hands the phone to me and she tells me she has a situation that needs girl to girl talk.  So I’m like, ‘all right, what’s up?’  And she proceeds to tell me about this guy who’s shown up at her church pretty regularly that she’s got a crush on.  She told me about how they’ve interacted and wat’s happened, what they said, all that, and then wanted to know my opinion about whether or not it sounded as if this guy likes her.

To be honest, and I told her this, it sounded to me like he was just being a polite and friendly guy.  I advised she just get up the guts and say that she’s interested, but if he’s not, she’s okay just being friends.  I mean, that’s the only real way she’s ever gonna truly know if he’s interested.  All the speculating in the world won’t give her a definite answer unless she speaks up.  She said that the way she’s interpreted his actions, she’s pretty sure he likes her, but that’s no guarantee.  There were plenty of times that actions of Ryan’s, I interpreted to mean that he liked me as more than a friend.  He never did.

As I was hearing about this guy, though, it was just so weird.  Half of me was going, "You’ve gotta be kidding me.  Okay, when are you gonna get to the point?"  And the other half of me was remembering when Dolly and I would talk about the exact same things when we were fifteen or so.  Lol, okay, actually more like twelve through seventeen.  And it was so weird to feel like both those perspectives inside me were looking at one another and going, "You think that?"  I got a thorough taste of how I was when I was younger and then the "adult" reaction to it.

No wonder parents always think that their kids crushes and stuff are ridiculous.  I mean, to the teenager/teen-ageish person, liking the person and wanting them to like you are the hugest things in the world.  It means utter devastation if the guy rejects you.  I mean, I’m not saying Ruth’s gonna be devastated if this guy only sees her as a friend, but the phone call gave me a unique perspective.  It’s not every day you have the ability to experience yourself as you were in the past and have it collide with who you are now.  It’s a rare thing, your former self and present self being able to look at one another and being able to think, "This is what I was."

I no longer have that same thinking capacity.  I wish I did, in some ways.  In others, I’m glad I grew up.  Yet what was the price of my growing up as I have?  I’m barely hanging onto my dreams, let alone actually believing in them and hoping I’ll achieve them.

Every time I’ve had a major heartache in my life, someone’s come along and helped me get over it.  I equated it to falling down something akin to a bottomless pit.  In eighth grade, I fell down that hole and I didn’t think anything could help me out of it.  I honestly think that to some degree, I lost my mind that year.  I got into the Beatles that summer, and to a degree, they helped me decide that I had to climb out of that hole myself.  Then the next summer, I met Ryan, and his friendship helped me almost fully out.

But I semi-went back in when Ryan kept saying he just wanted to be friends.  Yet Will, (oddly enough,) helped me realize that I could stil care for another guy as more than friends.

After everything Will put me through, though, I was ready to give up.  I felt myself on that edge of just . . . shutting down.  Not wanting anyone else to get close to me.  Not giving them the chance because it wasn’t worth it.  You always just got hurt in the end.

Mike was there to pull me back.  And he did it singlehandedly by just being there with me, not giving up on me.

Rob helped me get over Jason when I was still aching from caring about him so much but not being able to see him.

But how do I get over Mike and everything he and his family cost me and did to me?  Mike claims that he was ‘broken’ before.  But at least he had people around him willing to pick up the pieces and help him get back together again.  Where are the people who’ll help me do that?  Where are the people who care if I’m lonely, if I’m crying, if I’m broken?  Where are the people who know how to put me back together?

Where’s the one who said I’d never get rid of him?

Huh.  Maybe that’s part of what hurts most.  Because I didn’t get rid of him.  He wouldn’t let me.  No, instead, he made sure that it was his choice to get rid of me.