What’s Inside My Heart?

I talked to him last night about the possibility of us breaking up.  Heh.  The stress that he felt from the conversation got to him today and he had a seizure at work.  Little twinge of guilt over that, but not much.  He didn’t have a reaction as bad as any of Mike’s, that’s for sure, but he was still depressed.

I just . . .  things are up in the air right now with us, I guess.  We haven’t officially broken up, but I don’t think we’re exactly together, either.

I honestly don’t think I’m capable of loving, and staying in love with, another person.  Either that, or I believed in finding a damn Prince Charming for so long that every guy I meet eventually falls short of my expectations.  At first, Rob was absolutely terrific.  And he still is a great guy, I’m not gonna deny that, but . . .  I need someone who can mentally keep up with me.  I need someone who shares my interests and who I can share his with.  Yeah, Rob’s gotten more into reading, but I doubt that he’d ever be the avid reader that I am.  That is okay, but I need someone who reads on more than just a casual interest level, you know?

All right.  Let’s make a list, everything I can think of that I’d want in a guy.

1. Big reader.

2. Likes diverse music and is at least open-minded to things not in his comfort zone of listening regulars.

3. Likes physical activities like swimming, skating, walking around, hiking, playing in the snow, etc.

4. Doesn’t have to have perfect pitch or anything, but has a good singing voice and can sing in tune.  (I admit, carryover from Mike, but it bugs the Hell outta me now when I hear someone mutilating a song.)

5. Open-minded.

6. Good debater and can think quickly on his feet.

7. Physically, should at least be able to take me on.

8. Similar religious beliefs.  I don’t want someone atheist, or of a vastly different religion than Christianity, though I’m not exactly a Christian.

9. Someone who is confident, but not to the point of arrogance.

10. Someone who has dreams, goals, and hopes for the future.

11. Someone who I can open up to.

12. Someone who knows how to get inside my head and either knows, or knows how to get me to tell them, what I’m feeling.

13. Someone who knows when to hug me and when to leave me alone.

14. Someone I can trust with everything.

15. Someone I want to trust with everything.

16. Someone I can have adventures with, be a kid around, be silly and stupid around.

17. Someone who wants to trust me with everything.

18. Someone I can go to with a problem, who won’t say they don’t know what to do to help me.

19. Someone who will come to me when they have a problem, instead of keeping it inside.

There might be more, but that’s all I can think of for now.  I just wish . . .  I mean, I had a crush on Ryan, Hell, I thought I was in love with Ryan for a bit over two years.  Yet he and I stayed friends, through everything.  Why is it that people who were boyfriend and girlfriend can’t go back to being friends when the relationship just isn’t working anymore?  Why is it so hard?  I mean, yeah, it sucked for me when Ryan just wanted to be firneds, but you know what?  I got over it.  And I was still friends with him while I was getting over it.

::Sighs::  I’m terrified of this turning into another Mike-situation.  I tried to break up with him so many times and I realize now that one of my mistakes was thinking I could say, "Okay, I want to break up," and then hanging out with him the next day like things were okay.  But even so.  I would tell him I wanted to break up, sometimes it was only for a week that I wanted to go back to being best friends again, and honestly, I would be smiling inside.  I felt lighter, I felt good.  But he’d get all depressed, and more than likely start crying, asking what he’d done wrong, what he could do so we’d stay together, and eventually, I’d crumble.  I’d relent and say, "Okay, never mind, let’s stay together."

 . . . every time he did that, every time he wouldn’t let me break up with him, every time I relented, he was lying to me.  Back in Feb., of 2000, he promised me that if I ever wanted to go back to just being friends, we could.  Though all of those times don’t hurt as much as the last time he said that.  The last time, he and I were walking to Staples in January of ’06.  And he apologized for never letting us break up and go back to being best friends and he said that this time, he hoped we could.  He’d told me he was over me.

And he lied again.  Yeah, he was over me.  Part of him probably had been for a long time, but he kept denying that part to himself in the hopes that one day I’d turn around and say I loved him back.  But it never came, and never will.  That last lie is what hurts the most, though.  Because he never tried to be any sort of friend to me after that.  Even for a bit before that.  He never tried.  And maybe it’s a fact that with everything we went through, there way no way we could have been friends, but he didn’t even try.  Maybe not as well as I should have, but I can honestly say that I did try.  I did make an attempt.  Obviously to no avail.

Rob made no such promise to me about being able to go back to just friends status.  But he said he wants me to be happy.  If I’m happy without him as a significant other, but rather as a friend, shouldn’t he accept that?

Okay, he’s here, and we’re gonna talk.  I might have another entry up tonight.