I Hate To Add To Bad News . . .

You know, next to Melanie’s grandma and Dolly’s uncle, which I just read about tonight.  My heart goes out to both of them.  I went to clean out Smiley the Hedgehog’s cage tonight after coming back from Barnes and Noble.  Well, she was awake and so I scooped her carefully up in my hands and I felt something odd underneath her.  At first, I thought it was woodchips that were between me and her belly, but . . . no.  They’re growths, two of them side by side, between her front paws.  I’m hoping to God that a vet’s office is open tomorrow so I can take her in and see what’s up and what can be done for her.

The only upside that I have is that she’s still eating and she’s not having any problems keeping it down as far as I can tell.  Hopefully it’ll just be a matter of removing these things and then she’ll be okay.  Cuz with where these things are positioned, if she wasn’t eating and didn’t have an appetite, I’d be a Hell of a lot more worried.  Anyway, I’ll stay updated on this.

I haven’t felt like coming online in a few days.  I don’t know.  More than once, I’ve wondered if I have chronic depression.  Yet A) I don’t have the money/insurance to go to a doctor, and B) frankly, if I do, I don’t want to just be shouldered off as another case for meds, because I don’t want to have to rely on medication to get through life.

I have a chance for another job.  I’ve got an interview for a place called QuikTrip on Thursday morning.  It’s a gas station/convenience store.  So that’s good.

The truth is, I feel completely alone.  To be honest, it doesn’t feel like I have anyone who truly cares anything about me because everyone else is so wrapped up in their own lives.  And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing.  I’m not trying to insinuate that I should be the center of these people’s lives or anything.  I know that I don’t always put my friends first and I’ve been horrible about contacting them more often than not.  Yet I almost want to keep it that way.  I feel myself sinking into a self-induced isolation that I have no interest in escaping from.  I care about certain people, I think about them often, but more and more, I find myself realizing that I don’t trust anyone.  Not with what’s really going on in my head.  Surface things, of course.  I post those here.  I talk about those things once in awhile on IM.  Yet what’s really inside, I don’t reveal to anyone.

And I find myself not wanting to.  I gave everything I was to Mike and I’m still going through the painful process of seperating myself from that.  I wish I’d known.  I wish someone had warned me not to give everything of myself to someone else.  I wish someone had told me what end Mike and I would come to.  I wish . . . I wish I would stop being persecuted by others when he’s gotten off scot-free.  He has the friends, he has the trust, he has everything.  And I don’t understand why.  Why did he get everything?  Why am I the one not trusted?  Why am I the one not even told that they don’t want to hang out with me anymore?  That they don’t even want to be seen with me?  Why was I the one questioned?  The one who’s morals, integrity, trust, all of that, were questioned and judged without truly knowing me?  Why is that my fate when the one who cheated on and lied to her ex boyfriend, and had dropped Mike like a stone, is accepted into the fold without question?

::Sighs::  I’ve grown too cynical for my own good.  My innocence is gone.  All I have left are the analytical mind and the want, need, urge, to find someone I can trust, find someone I can connect with on an intellectual level, find someone . . .  Yet at the same time, I scoff at the very idea because I don’t think I’ll ever achieve that level of trust with someone again.  Mostly because I don’t dare give someone that much of my heart again.

I’d said before that after everything that happened with Dan, I wasn’t going to make the mistake of trusting him again.  I’ve said that for a lot of people, and only one or two have ever made it back into my heart to be trusted again.  But now, though I haven’t shut those people out, I don’t expect to find others I want to trust.  I don’t want to find others.  I don’t want that kind of heartache again.  Maybe I’m emotioanlly strong enought to handle it, but I don’t think I can take the cynicism it causes.  I don’t want to be cynical.  But I can’t unlearn the lessons I’ve been taught, most of the time the hard way.