::Sighs::

Can you believe I actually wrote a letter to Mike yesterday? I’m reading the Magic novels now and devouring thyem whenever I get the chance. Which I haven’t really had the opportunity to do lately because of work, so I’m only about halfway through one of them. And it’s the latest. Yeah, I know how to read in order . . .

Plus, I’m surprising myself by actually picking up the Forgotten Realms books about Drizzt D’Ourden. ::Sighs:: Simple logic. I don’t have Mike around anymore to tell me the stories about the characters, so I have to learn them myself by reading. Makes me want to turn one of my novel ideas into a fantasy story. Who knows? It might work out.

::Sighs:: I don’t know why I bothered to write that letter. I know the reaction I’ll get. Or should I say I know the spectrum of responses I may get. If I sent it, he either wouldn’t respond, not deeming me worth enough to do so, or he’d write back with basically a ‘f*ck off’ message, or he’d write back, taking his share of blame, if not more, and we’d work things out as much as possible from there. Those are the extremes, of course, so if I were to send it, I could receive a response of one of those or any kind of combination or anything in between.

Or I could decide not to send it and just let that chapter in my life thoroughly die out.

But I’ve tried that. I don’t want him back as a boyfriend. I know that. I thought about kissing him a day or so ago, and it was just . . . No. Definitely not. But less than that, yet at the same time so much more . . .

Yet I know no one who knows me in person, no one who thinks they know me even, would understand why I would want this. And worse, you’d all call me crazy for even contemplating the idea, let alone actually doing it. And in so many ways, I know you’re right. But in some primal, odd, weird way . . . I just . . . I can’t help how I feel.

::SIghs:: I wish I knew what to do. It’s been a long time since I’ve said, "I don’t know what to do," and meant it.

SolarEclipse

April 30, 2007

I know you probably expect me to be one of the ones saying that you are crazy and all that. And part of me thinks you are..but this is what I think regardless of that. You should send that letter. You might not get the response you want *if you even know what that is* but either way, you are working toward closure of some kind. Right now, the way things ended with you and Mike were abrupt and

weird for how intense your relationship with him was. And unless you get your feelings out in a real way where he knows exactly what you feel about everything, you will never truly be able to move on and have a happy and healthy relationship with Rob. Until you close the chapter your life with Mike (or do something about it) It will always be there, hanging over you and dragging your emotions out

of whack everytime something reminds you of Mike. And it is only natural that you miss him and have reminders of him. You had an intense relationship with him, and its bound to make you have intense feelings from time to time, good or bad. I still have those moments when I think about Ken, and he was ten times the shmuck that Mike even could have been. So Send it and see what happens.

You need to decide exactly what you want and why. If you make a move, don’t go into it blindly. Writing things out will probably help you understand what it is you want.