I’m Done . . .

July 22nd, 2006

I’m posting this on Open Diary, but wanted to write it offline first. That way I can come back to it and add more, but when I post it, it’ll all be there in one piece.

I don’t even know where to begin with everything I’m feeling right now. I know that I’m damn near just shutting down this diary. I don’t want anyone reading it from Hazlet, with the exception of Melanie, because she’s the only local person besides Rob who’s actually any sort of true friend to me.

Okay. As I know I’ve at least insinuated, Mike and I have definitely had our problems over the years we’ve known one another. Some I’ve outlined rather extensively in here, such as different details in why we broke up, how I treated him at different points, things like that. Never really went into how he treated me, however. But I’ll get to that in this entry, too.

After he came back from the hospital, I wrote about ending up crying in front of him because I’d realized exactly how far we’d separated when I couldn’t even reach over to give him a hug. We’d both agreed then that if we wanted to be friends, it was something we’d both have to work on, that would take time and effort and all that.

I suppose it was an effort neither of us truly wanted to put in, because within a week, we were back to the same old stuff. His annoying, indifferent, arrogant jerkishness, and me sniping because I’ve always been on my guard around people who act like they’re better than everyone else. And that’s how he was acting in front of me.

We had something of another mini-breakthrough that last night, (or what was supposed to be his last night,) here, when we all went out to Perkins. But again, that didn’t last long.

After he told me at the end of June that that group didn’t want me around, I was talking to him online. I told him that I wanted him to promise not to mention me to them anymore. They want me to disappear, then let me. Let me cease to exist. They want to ignore me and pretend that I’m not around, fine. But I told him that I expected him to do the same. He insisted he couldn’t do that, since we were such big parts of one another’s lives for as long as we were. I say BS. He has all of them, why the Hell can’t he do me that favor? He owes me at least that.

But whatever. I let that one go and said that my second request was that after he was out, he stayed away from me. I didn’t want to see him. At least not for a good long while. And I’m not sure, but I believe I said that I’d contact him when I felt that I’d had enough time. Cuz long story short, we’ve both needed time away from the other for a really long time.

Anyway, that, he said he could grant. He’d honor that request and give me whatever time I needed.

Yet, that was around the very end of June. I don’t know how many time in the next three weeks it was that he showed up here. Once, admittedly, was something with my computer. But then, on July 4th, he insists he was “in the neighborhood,” and stops in. He claimed to just want to get his mail and say hi to my parents. Yeah, well, he got his damned mail and said hi to my parents. Then he follows me up the stairs and into my room! Then, this is the “best” part, tells me later that he thought I wanted to talk! My first line to him was “What are you doing here?” Why the Hell would someone think that I want to talk to them after the request I’d given him on the IM, and when my first question is what are they doing here? I mean, seriously!

Then, I know there was another time that he showed up when Rob was over, cuz he and Mike were talking a bit.

Okay, I suppose I should get into the thick of things now, shouldn’t I?

Well, Rob’s been listening to me talk and vent and cry about a whole bunch of stuff concerning Mike and the rest of that group. Shannon, Jacqui, Denny, Bryan, Freshman Mike, Colleen, etc. Denny, I have no real problem with. Independently of one another, Rob and I both came to the conclusion that Denny’s basically just an innocent bystander in all this and to be honest, we both agree on that. And in regards to what I’d said in my last entry about Colleen saying that the guys thought I cheated on Mike with Rob, well, that was her own stupid mistake because of Bryan’s dumb phrasing.

On my birthday, Mike actually called to talk and say Happy Birthday and that stuff. We actually had a fairly normal, civilized conversation. I figured it was progress. I mean, things couldn’t go much worse between us, right? And we’d had some time apart, (not nearly enough in my opinion, but still,) so it was sort of nice, talking as if it were old times. Since things were going so well, I told him that I wanted to talk to him about some stuff I still needed to get out of my system, and could we do it soon? He said Tuesday was a good day, he’d probably be down here then, so we agreed Tuesday, assuming he had some time to stop by. (My birthday was on Sunday.)

It wasn’t until Monday that I realized why I shouldn’t talk to him on Tuesday. Tuesday was Ringo’s concert, (which was INCREDIBLE, by the way,) and I didn’t want to have to rely on Ringo to cheer me up. (Which he did, anyway, but that‘s besides the point. He didn’t really need to cheer me up, I wasn‘t really depressed.)

And that’s because on Tuesday, I got woken up by Mike coming into my room. I swear, if I thought he was gonna show his face here any time soon, I’d probably take to locking my door. But he came in and we talked a bit. Somehow, he got the idea it was gonna be a short conversation, so I wasn’t able to say everything I needed to. But once again, I thought we’d made progress. But of course, Shannon and the rest of those jerks are more important, so he left since for some reason they were waiting outside.

I did tell him that Rob wanted to talk to him, too, so when was a good time for that? He’d said that the rest of Tuesday was full, but Wednesday was free. So I said good, I’d call him and we’d pick him up and go somewhere.

Now we get to the meat of the situation. On Wednesday, I called Mike and told him we were gonna head up there and where would we have privacy for this? Cuz I guess people were gonna be at the house up there and the last thing I needed was for Cheryl horning in, or his dad or grandma asking what was going on. Anyway, we agreed that a park was the best place and I told him we’d get up there between two-thirty and three. We hung up and I called Rob saying that I had arranged a time with Mike and could I pick him up around two? Rob said that was okay, I told him I wanted to take care of a couple of things and then I’d be off.

That Wednesday was our six month anniversary, so I wanted to get him something, because the previous night, he’d given me, I guess you could call it a love note, that was absolutely the sweetest thing I’ve ever read. I went over to Airport Plaza and looked around the jewelry store and Rite Aid to see what I could find. I found a gre

at card at Rite Aid but as I left, I realized my car keys were still dangling from my ignition. (Don‘t worry, the car wasn‘t on or anything.) So I rushed back to my house, found the spare and dropped off the card, rushed back, and was on my way to Rob’s house. After he got in, I told him about locking my keys in the car, (since it made me about half an hour late to his house,) and then we were on our way up to Cranford.

When we picked Mike up, Rob waited in the car and I went to the door. Heh. It was weird, being at a place that previously, I’d just walked into with no problem whatsoever, yet that day, feeling like I couldn’t rightfully step over the threshold unless invited. Now I know how a vampire feels . . .

Anyway, while we were at the door, I told Mike that he should tell Rob about his opinion of him back in December. Back then, Mike had been telling me that he didn’t think Rob and I would make a very good couple because of whatever things, and that (this is the part I felt Rob should know,) Mike considered him “less” than he was. Not less of a person, but Mike’d said that the two of them were very similar, but that Mike was stronger, he was smarter, he was quicker, etc. I.e. — Rob was ‘less’ than Mike. Make sense?

I felt that Rob should know about that simply because what kind of friend says something like that about another? Plus, since Rob was supposed to be telling Mike all this stuff that he thought, I felt Rob deserved to know a few things Mike thought.

We drove around for awhile, basically making circles until I finally said, “Okay, we’re going to a park. Where’s a good one we can stop at?” And he finally directed me to this park with two different sized ponds, one with a fountain in the middle of it. I drove down the road trail and right at the front of the trees, there were two deer. What I’m assuming were mother and baby, cuz the one still had its spots. It was so cute.

We circled back around because that road didn’t lead to parking like I thought it would. Once we parked, we piled out and headed for the one pond where duckies were coming up to us. And getting remarkably close, might I add. Then I saw the gazebo and figured that was the best place to talk where we could sit fairly comfortably, so we headed there.

Instead of it being any sort of conversation between Rob and Mike, though, it turned into me and Mike going back and forth. Because all I wanted, at first, anyway, was an answer to a very simple question. Mike’d told me that part of that group’s problem with me was how long I held grudges and didn’t let things go and stuff like that. And I still want an answer to this. How is it that it’s okay for them to hold a grudge against me for things that some of them numerously said they didn’t want to be involved in, (the thing with Dan, stuff with me and Mike,) yet I’m condemned for not liking, trusting, or wanting to be around the person who (directly, might I add) threatened me, and did try to break me and Mike up?

Yeah, that was a new development. From Mike’s own mouth as well.

Okay, bit of explaining needed here. All three of us knew this girl named Denise. Mike had introduced me to her his junior year and I believe Dan met her later. Dan and she actually semi-got together after he and the first Jess broke up. Well, her father was another psycho parent who didn’t want his daughter hanging out with Dan, or Mike, or me. And Denise was constantly saying how her father was threatening to pull her out of musical programs, or he’d locked her flute away so she couldn’t practice, or this, or that. Once, she actually went to the school, and they called her father in and there was some talk of something being legally done through the school if he didn’t stop his abusive treatment of her. I mean, this guy wouldn’t believe that she hadn’t had sex, so he would pull her on surprise gyno visits to see if she was still a virgin!

Anyway, back on track. Dan had given her a tape recorder at some point to record her arguments with her father, which would give proof of emotional/mental abuse. But then he backed out on ever collecting those tapes, and Mike and I were talking about going ourselves to the police or social services, or somebody who could get something done. Well, the night Dan read my eyes, he decided to purposely see if he could drive a wedge between me and Mike, figuring if we were busy with our own little relationship problems, we’d forget about Denise.

It didn’t work. At least not in the way that he’d wanted it to then. But in the end, that despicable bastard had success. More than he ever dreamed of, I’m sure. Cuz yeah. Mike and I are broken up. And Dan was a huge part of that break up.

I’m nowhere near done, I just wanted to post this.  I might have more tonight.