Entry 832 – Thrown Into Chaos

I should probably just stop reading Mike’s entries on the different sites and whatnot.  It makes me miss . . . things.  Conversations I’d have with him, banter back and forth of what our opinions were, interjected jokes in those talks about everything and anything under the sun.

Last night I read about him admitting that he’s no longer Christian.  And of all things, he’s woried about mommy’s reaction.  ::Rolls eyes::  Frankly, if she’s gonna have a bad reaction to that, then it shows how hypocritical and selfish she truly is, because honestly after everything she pulled, she’s lucky that any of them are still speaking to her.

Regardless of that, though . . .  His admission there depressed me for several reasons.  1) I’m hearing about it because of a website.  I’m precariously perched on the edge of a precipice of his life, and truly it’s only a matter of time before we disappear entirely from one another’s sight.

I used to wish for that.  I used to want him out of my life.  I used to say that I wanted a break from all of them.  That at least for awhile, I didn’t want any contact with anyone even remotely connected to a Vroom.

Yet . . .

Yet I wanted it to be an instantaneous thing.  I wanted to know him one day and the next for him to be gone and who knows when I’d hear from him next.  I didn’t want this.  This is a gradual carving from which there’s no real escape because I’m still a sucker who doesn’t want to lose anyone she cares about.  But I’m not even sure I care about Mike.  I may just be caring about a memory.  Or it may be as simple as not wanting to admit to myself that I’ve already lost him and this is some vain attempt to not let go as fully as he obviously has.

::Laughs derisively at self::  I’m actually crying . . .

Oh, Hell, I’ll finish this entry later . . .