Entry 829 – Head Or Heart?

This is an IM I had with Melanie yesterday.  I want to add onto my thoughts in here, but I’ll do it in the next entry.  For now I just want to post this.

omg. i didnt even realize that about the ken breakup date
Lol. 
thats odd 
I realized it last night.  I was thinking about when Matt proposed to you and I was like, wow, that’s a year and a day after she and Ken broke up, and then I realized the wedding date when I read your entry. 
lol. very odd..but definitely not planned 
Gotta love funky coicidences. 
yup 
So, what’s up with you? 
nothing at all. Waiting for my stupid brothers oil change to be done so i can drive him to sears to get it 
Lol. 
then i want to go to the ragshop to get more stuff for my scrapbook 
Cool. 
yeah…im so exciting 
While you’re here, can I get some feedback on some stuff I’ve been contemplating? 
sure
(Hey, I like scrapbooks!)
Okay . . .  it’s about Rob.  And to a degree, Mike.  I guess . . .  I guess I feel like I’m holding back with Rob, not information about myself, or stuff like that, but feelings? maybe.  I don’t know.  I mean, I know I could probably deal with this better if Mike wasn’t here, but I guess I’m still afraid of the same outcome happening with me and Rob. 
Not the same situation that leads to said outcome, but just the same outcome.  Us breaking up eventually, saying that we’ll stay friends, and then . . . not. 
basically..you don’t want what happened to you and mike to someday happen to you and rob. So if you keep him at a distance in some ways, its safe 
Yeah. 
unfortunately..you can make all the promises in the world that you will stay friends if you break up, but life holds no guarantees.  
And yet I know that’s ridiculous.  He makes me feel safe.  Hell, I know for a fact that I’m stronger than he is, but I believe him when he says that he’ll go beat up someone for me if they were insulting me or something.
Exactly.  And that’s what I don’t want.  I don’t want to lose him.  But… 
I also don’t know if he’s the one I can see myself being with.  I mean, I always imagined a soulmate.  You know, someone I’d see. meet, talk to, etc., and it would just be like, "Boom!  You’re the one." 
I’ve been there. After Ken, I had no desire to really open my heart to someone again. I thought i would keep a safe distance so I wouldn’t have the same negative outcome. Thats why when I first met matt, I kept a distance. We hung out, and I had really strong feelings..but i was aloof.  
But with him I realized…its hard to explain, but I just Knew…I could see myself being with him always. I knew I had to take the risk and open my heart up to him or I would regret it always 
Yeah…  I wish I could just Know with Rob.  I mean, I have no doubts that he’s an incredibly special guy and he’s going to make some woman very happy.  I just don’t know if that woman is me.
I suppose it also ties into something Dolly said a long time ago. 
whats that 
She said she could see herslef being the one to settle down, get maried, have kids, you know, the whole family life thing. 
yeah… 
And that I would be the one traveling the world, breaking hearts, etc. 
thats interesting 
And, the more time passes, the more I wonder if that’s true.  She’s definitely settling down to the family life, with Zeb and Bobby, and I . . .  I find that I’m restless. 
honestly..i cant see you settling down just yet. I think there is still so much you still need to see and do. I think if you settled down now, you would regret it and somewhere down the road wish you had done more, traveled more, etc 
I want love, I want the romance, I want everything I ever dreamed about in a relationship, but . . . it’s almost like I can’t see that coming true with just one person.  It’s almost like I want to love and be loved, but once the person and I have reached a point where we can’t push the other to a higher plane of positivity, it’s time to leave. 
i wish I knew what to tell you 
It’s okay.  I’m just glad I’m putting this to words. 
yeah..that definitely helps 
Yeah. 
well…for now, just live everyday with Rob like it would be your last. Have fun, live life to the fullest, and make the most of everyday.  
It’s weird to recognize these feelings, though.  Because, since I feel like this, I almost wonder if Rob and I should break up now and save ourselves heartache in the future.  Yet, I don’t want to lose him. 
But I don’t know how smart it is to be holding onto someone partially because you’re afraid to let them go. 
only you can decide what the right thing to do is. If you are having so many doubts, then you definitely need to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. 
ack. i gotta go. i forgot to do something.
Yeah…  I almost don;t want to, though.  Because if I’m completely calculated about this, then honestly, us not being together is probably the best thing.  I can get myself more together and truly work through the rest of this residual stuff I didn’t even realize was there.
Yet at the same time, I have no doubts that he’d help me get through all that as best he could, and he’d want to help me do it.  Plus, like you said above, I can’t be afraid to put my heart out there, especially not with someone like him 
Argh.  Oh, well.  Thanks for talking. 
argh. i want to finish this..but i have to make pasta sauce for dinner *lol* 
Lol.  It’s okay.  Hck, I’ll save what I said here.  I’ll probably turn into a diary entry.  We can continue later. 
yup. i’ll be around all night. i have no life *lol* 
Lol.  I’ll talk to you later, then. Bye. 🙂 🙂 :)</fon

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ok… I’ll definitely talk to you later