Entry 815 – Patience Is A Virtue . . .

Except when I’m waiting for something . . .

Then it’s an all out curse . . .

I suppose I should explain last night.  I suppose I should explain everything in my head, starting with why I skip several entry numbers.  I have four previous entries on private because I haven’t finished writing them.  The first will be the one about Rob’s birthday when we went up to New York to see Phantom, so I hope anyone reading this entry will check back and read the others when I have them publicized.

Okay.  For the past few days, I’ve been wondering about me and Rob.  I think it basically came down to a question of "are we too different to be together?"  I mean, one of the things that bothers me is that he sems perfectly willing to just stay inside and watch movies day after day, whereas I just need to be outside sometimes.  I mean, yes, I like just lazing around and watching movies, or reading, or just sitting under a blanket with Rob.  But there are also times when I just feel the need to meander.  To wander about.  To go places and just look at nature, or to show him spots that I’ve always enjoyed going to simply because I want to share them with him.

I mean, I remember that day Joey slept over here.  I showed him that one spot in Union Beach with all those rocks, where at low tide you can se that sandbar/island thing.  He thought it was amazing and thanked me for bringing him there to show him this beautiful spot.  Rob . . . just said how cold it was.  And how he couldn’t see anything because it was night time.  And stuff like that.

Then there was the night before last, when it first started snowing.  I mean, I was enjoying it, standing out there, just feeling how gorgeous everything was and looking around watching the trees and the sidewalks and lawns and stret get covered with that wonderfully packable snow.  And I figured, ‘Hey, this is great, Rob said that he loved winter when there was snow!’

But when we did get back to the house, he didn’t even want to stay outside, let alone have a snowball fight.  Not to mention he kept complaining about the fact that I wasn’t wearing a hat.  He was saying how my hair was all wet and everything and that something was gonna happen to me, I was gonna get sick, etc., and just wuldn’t believe me when I told him I’d be fine.  Lol, I mean, it was cute of him to worry like that, but seriously!  I’ve never worn a hat outside in the winter unless my mom made me when I was a kid.  I seriously always just wear some kind of coat, usually an open one, (I almost never zip or button them up,) and gloves cuz my hands freeze outside.  That’s it!  I’ve never been one for scarves because of my psychological hatred of things being around my neck, and I don’t wear hats.

We talked about it the night before last and actually did wind up going outside and having a pretty good snowball fight.  Lol, I shall turn him into my equal yet!  Because that’s something else that bothers me.  NEVER in my entire LIFE, have I met someone my age that I had to hold back in front of.  Okay, that’s not true, I’ve met plenty of poeple in my gym class who were my age who were absolutely pathetic.  But friend-wise, I’ve never met someone who I didn’t have to hold back against.  Mental-wise, strength-wise, agility-wise, whatever.  Okay, some people it was one thing.  Like Dolly, strength-wise, I’m sorry, I’ve got it all over her.  But mental-wise, reflex-wise, we were on par, or I felt inferior.  And tht’s how I’ve been with every single person I’ve ever become friends with.  Maybe I have it over them in this, but they’re over me in all these.

Yet Rob . . . I seem to be above him all across the board.  I’m faster, I’m stronger, I’m more coordinated, I’ve got better reflexes, I’m smarter, I make connections to things because I look beyond the obvious . . .

Yet it absolutely infuriates me sometimes because I can practically SEE something in him that could blow me out of the water in all of those categories with the possible exception of reflex.  But whatever that SOMETHING is, it seems to be lying rather completely dormant.  Or perhaps it’s something he’s afraid to wake up.  I don’t know.  All I do know is if he ever put forth the effort, he could blow me out of the water.  And I almost want him to.  I do want to see him live up to his potential.  And I know for a fact his potential is more than this.

I was HOLDING BACK in a snowball fight, for crying out loud!!!  I’ve NEVER had to do that!!!  Not in my entire life!  Everyone I’ve ever snowball fought against was someone I had to go all out with, whether it be the guys at the bus stop in eighth grade, or Mike and Dan, or an entire group of us outside in my yard.

I think I’m too used to how Mike is.  Or was, with these types of things.  He was quicker than me, pretty much everything over me, and I got used to having to be at my physical and mental top to keep up, if not equal.  Now, however, my ordinarily quick mnd that was jump-started over and over again by Mike has had to come to numerous screeching halts because it’s not used to someone who can’t keep up.  It’s not used to stopping and having to think of different, simpler ways of explaining things.

And in so many ways, I have no idea how to deal with all this.  I mean, honestly, you think you’re over someone and then you realize how much . . . maybe not that you miss them, but you . . . miss their qualities?  It’s so bizarre.  Because I keep remembering all the things that went wrong with me and Mike and honestly, I’m terrified of that happening here.  Yet I know the flip-side.  If I keep letting things like this bother me so much, then it will end the same way me and Mike’s relationship did.

I don’t know.  Maybe a part of me is projecting the dissatisfaction I feel at Mike towards Rob.  But that’s not a fair thing to do, either!  Maybe I’ll feel better and this whole thing can be dissolved when Mike actually moves out.

::Sighs::  I wish I could shut of my brain sometimes.  Rob said to me last night, "I’m not want you want i a boyfriend, am I?"  And honestly, I told him that no, he wasn’t what I wanted, but that want and need are two very different things.

I think I do need someone like him, because completely honestly, he makes me want to be a better person.  He makes me want to acomplish all the things that I’ve been putting off or not working towards.  And I think he needs someone like me to push him to his full potential, because I think people have babied him for far too long.

I don’t know.  I have a lot of insecurities in this whole thing and I know they seem to be aimed at complaints about Rob, and maybe that’s not fair, but . . . I don’t know.

::Sighs::  It’s three-thirty and he hasn’t called yet . . .  I hope he’s okay.  I’ll explain later.

Bye.

Okay, this wouldn’t save earlier, so I’m just gonna add to it now and hope it’ll save.  Rob came over ye

sterday, and basically, we both accidentally fell asleep around four in the morning and woke up at about ten after six.  I drove him home, (and my car got stuck at the Garden Manor entrance.  Grr . . .) and asked him to call me around three or so.  I was hoping we could take a walk around Holmdel Park, cuz that place has gotta be gorgeous looking, what with all the snow.

Anyway, he was woried how his parents were going to react to the fact that he wasn’t getting home until after sunup the following day, and I’ve been worried about him, because of that and the fact that he’d cut his hand, (not badly, but still.)  And I tried calling him once, just before five, but all I got was the machine.  I mean, it’s definitely possible they went out and did a family thing today and I definitely wouldn’t mind that.  I don’t mind spending time apart, I just wish I wasn’t so worried about him.

If nothing else, I’ll see him tomorrow.