Entry 809 – Hey, Jealousy . . .

Hey, Jealousy
By: the Gin Blossoms

Tell me do you think it’d be alright
If I could Just crash here tonight
As you see I’m in no shape for drivin’
And any way I’ve got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I ever had
I hadn’t blown the whole thing years ago
I might no be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place

Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to drink
And not to sleep around
And if you don’t expect too much form me
You might not be let down

Cos all I really want’s to be with you
And feel like I matter too
If I didn’t blow the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place

Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy
Hey jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take it’s place

Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy…

Listen to my heart
There’s only one thing I can start

That’s the name of a Gin Blossoms song, in case anyone didn’t know.  Hmm . . . I still have that CD of Rob’s over here.

Rob.  What can I say about him?  He’s not a thinker, definitely not.  Though I do think he could be if he ever decided to give himself enough credit that he IS smart.  But he’s wonderful just the same.  He makes me happy.  And he . . . seems to understand.  Oddly enough, we both seem to have the same expectations of people.  Or perhaps I should say lackthereof?  And that seems to have brought us closer, just because if said expectation happens, neither of us will try to hold on too tight.  Though admittedly, I’m not sure I like having this expectation.  It’s simply that neither of us, for our own reasons, expects to remain friends with the people we have.  I mean, there are exeptions in my case.  There are a choice few that I can see myself knowing and still caring about and still being friends with in future years.  But that number is so small compared to when I was younger.

::Sighs::  But expectations, or lackthereof, aren;t what I want to talk about.  Neither is Rob.  It’s Mike.  He gave me free reign to read his entries.  And I have been.  And dear God, some of his spelling errors drive me insane!  It’s the same for everyone else, but he should know how to spell these words.  Regardless.  It’s just . . . so weird . . . hearing him talk about another female in the same light that he claimed he felt about me as little as two months ago.  I’m not complaining, I am happy with Rob, and definitely don’t want to break up with him.  Yet . . .

Well, it’s something I wondered about not too long ago and I actually did voice to Rob when I got the chance.  I woke up that morning, whatever morning it was, probably sometime last week, and I was depressed.  I was wondering what the heck I was doing with someone who I was stronger than, I was faster than, I was more agile than, more physically apt, more mentally apt, it was like this bell went off in my head that was screaming, "YOU IDIOT, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH SOMEONE LIKE HIM???"

I admit, a part of me wanted to break up with Rob the more I thought about things.  But I knew I couldn’t, for the simple reason that he’d let me if I wanted to.  I knew he would tell me it was up to me and if that was what I wanted, I could do it.  But I knew he’d be hurt.

Another part of me was just feeling like a rug had been tugged out from under my feet.  Because Mike was saying he was OVER ME.  He had moved on.  He likes someone else.  A friend of mine.  Someone I’ve known since high school, my sophomore year.  He was saying how the more time he spent with her, the more he realized how little we are alike.  And it was so strange, cuz it’s like . . . his feelings, or what he insisted his feelings were for so long, were suddenly not there anymore.  And I didn’t know how to deal with that.

That realization, coupled with the fact that I knew that if I did say something to Rob, he would just let me go, despite his own feelings, are what made me stop and think things through all the more.  Sure, I wondered what I was doing with someone who was intelectually and physically on such a vastly different level from me, but was that really cause to break up?  I mean, I always felt, no matter who I was with, like they had some kind of superiority over me, whether it be physical, mental, emotional, maturity level, something!  Yet neither in a relationship-wise or friend-wise setup was I let go of.  Therefore, I shouldn’t do that to him, you know?

I had talked to Dolly on the phone about it, too, the initial night I came up with all this.  She definitely seemed to understand and gave me some measure of comfort about the entire thing, cuz God knows she’s gone through the exact same thing that I was feeling, only I’m sure to a much higher degree.  But then Mike mentions to me today that she’d told him that there were potential problems between me and Rob, and somehow Rob’s epilepsy got involved in there.  Mike was asking me if anything was up concerning that.  It turns out he wondered if Rob had had any seizures lately, not what I was initially thinking, which was that he’d gotten the idea that I wanted to break up with Rob cuz of his seizures.  (Yeah, that thought got a vehement NO from me.  I mean, seriously, if mental things like that freaked me out, I’d’ve never had a crush on him in the first place.  Or Ryan.  Or Shaun.  Or any number of other guys, cuz everyone I know has something.  Even something as mild as an allergy, everybody’s got something.)

A

nyway, I did talk to Rob about what was going on in my head.  Mainly, he just listened, but as I expected, he did say that if I wanted to break up, it was my choice, and mine alone to make.  Nedless to say, though, I’m still together with him.  Especially a few conversations we’ve had since have not only strengthened my belief that he is an intelligent guy who hasn’t tapped into his full potential, but also that we compliment each other rather well.

Angela, someone I’ve become friends with through this site, wrote in her diary once that "if someone out there can create these scars, then someone else can heal them."

A lot of someones, particularly one, created these scars in my heart.  I started the healing process but could only take it so far.  And it always felt like lemon juice was being poured over and salt rubbed in whenever something was too poignant a remnder.  Rob’s taken away all of that, though.  Yeah, the scars are still there.  Yeah, sometimes they still sting.  But nowhere near as bad as they used to.

A few nights ago, I was going all depressed on him, just lamenting about things in the past, and what I predicted was going to happen not too far in the future.  For instance, I know the day Mike moves out, that’s the last I’m ever going to hear from him.  He’s changed.  And while I’m not gonna say that that’s a bad thing, for me, he’s changed into a real jerk.  When he is here, it’s because he’s sleeping, or he’s stopping in to pick up a few things.  When we talk, his response to something he doesn’t like is this annoyingly indifferent, "Whatever," as if he won’t even argue a point anymore, or even be bothered to acknowledge that the person he’s in front of is smart enough to debate with.  Not only that, but he honestly truly hurt my feelings today, and I doubt he even realized it.  He said he’s been having trouble sleeping lately and asked if I remembered when these photos of us in one of those booth thingies were taken back during my senior year.  I said Feb 13th, cuz that’s the day we went and saw Scream 3 and then did those pictures.  He said oh, well since it was coming up on that time, that’s probably why he was having trouble getting sleep.  Then he says something like, "Hey, congratulations, you’re now part of why I’m an insomniac."  And he said it jokingly, for the most part I guess, but . . .  That eally hurt.  It’s like, "Hey, let’s add you to the list of rejects who rejected me!"

I know that may not have even entered his mind as something to think, but that’s what it felt like.

And you know what the funniest thing is?  I doubt he’ll even read this, because he’s pretty much stopped reading my diary so as to not read things about Rob.  And I’m certainly not gonna bring this up to him, cuz more than likely, I’ll get one of his annoying, indifferent, Well-why-should-I-care? answers of, "Whatever."

You know, it’s funny.  About two months ago, I spent all this time thinking about how Mike and Rob’s friendship would change if Rob and I got together.  And God knows that’s all Mike brought up.  How things would change for him, how he wouldn’t be able to be around Rob, blah, blah, blah.  None of us gave the slightest, foggiest thought to what would change between me and Mike.

I guess I don’t have to give it any thought now, though.  I’m seeing the results.  And I don’t like them.