I Feel Like He Gave What He Promised . . .

Let It Snow,
Let It Snow,
Let It Snow! 

Oh the weather outside is frightful
But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
And I’ve bought some corn for popping
The lights are turned way down low
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

When we finally kiss goodnight
How I’ll hate going out in the storm!
But if you’ll really hold me tight
All the way home I’ll be warm

The fire is slowly dying
And, my dear, we’re still goodbying
But as long as you love me so
Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

 

::Sighs::  I give up.  I seriously do.  It’s about four in the morning and I just spent the last twenty minutes outside in the snow.  About ten minutes before that in tears, and about two and a half hours before that "talking" slash arguing with Mike.

He says that I don’t understand how much I hurt him this past month.  I admit, what I did was my fault, but you know what?  We’ve come full circle, Goddamnit!!!  Because HE has no idea how much HE hurt ME back two, three, however long ago when all I wanted was to see Dan drop off the planet!  I mean, seriously, do all of you think I’ve forgotten?  Do none of you know that I still see the second looks?  The questioning tones?  Do none of you see that I still feel the effects of what he managed to do?  What he was able to get away with because NO ONE did a SINGLE BLOODY THING????

And now I feel like I’m not allowed to fall for anyone else.  I feel like I either have to say I’m in love with Mike, or he’s going to remain a broken person for the rest of his Godforsaken life!  I feel trapped and Goddamnit, one of the things that got me crying earlier was the fact that I succeeded in helping to trap myself in this situation.  Because Mike’s and Rob’s friendship might as well be over.  Mike’s not gonna be able to look at him and Rob, I somehow know he’ll feel awkward around Mike for a long time.

Why the Hell aren’t I allowed to be happy?  Why the Hell can’t I have another relationship?  Why the Hell can’t I actually feel GLAD when I think about Rob, instead of feelig guilty because I know what it’s doing to Mike?

And maybe this is completely unrelated, but why can’t Nana be here for me to go see when I feel like this???

Damnit . . .  I’m crying again.  Excuse any typos, I can’t see the keys.  I almost want to make this diary a favorites only so Mike can’t read it.  I never wanted him reading this thing anyway.  It was supposed to be my space, my spot to write in where I could get opinions of strangers and opinions and notes from friends I didn’t see often, or whose only communication to me is online.  Not for someone who lives in the SAME GODDAMN HOUSE AS ME to read!!!!

I want my Nana back . . .  It’s four months ago today that she went into the hospital for the last time.  I just . . . I can’t help wondering . . . if something would’ve been different, had I gone up to her bed and whispered in her ear, "Hey, Nana.  When ya comin’ home?"  Like she would always ask me over the phone.

God, I miss her and I don’t know why I feel like she would understand what I’m going through.  We tried to keep as much unpleasantness away from her as we could, so it’s not like I would’ve tried to talk to her about this.  I think . . . I think she represents just . . . EVERYTHING I’ve ever lost.  It’s like, if I got her back, I’d get back that innocence, that . . . whatever the Hell I had when I was younger.  Hell, maybe I’d get back my freedom.

That’s what I want.  My freedom.  I thought when I broke up with Mike, that I would be free.  I thought I could have my life back.

::Sobs::  You know what I just realized???  I can’t even tell Rob about any of this!!  I can’t even hope to cry on his shoulder, because it wouldn’t be fair to rest all this on him!

God . . .  Why does he have to be so . . . him???  Why does he have to be so funny, so smart, so kind, so sweet, so gentlemanly, so naive . . .  Why does he have to be all the great things I’ve ever wanted in someone?  Why do I have to be so attracted to him?

It might have been when we were at Veteran’s, or maybe when we were walking to Sycamore on Thursday, I don”t know, but I remember saying how much I wanted it to snow and he said there was supposed to be snow this weekend.  It’s four thirty in the morning now and about half an hour ago, I looked out the window and saw snow falling.  In some stupid, childish, fantastical way, I feel like he promised me snow this weekend, and gave it to me.

I want a relationship with him!  Yet I trapped myself this time by telling him my feelings, because I knew the reaction I’d get.  "Let’s just stay friends because I don’t want to hurt Mike."  Yet if he’d said anything different, I wouldn’t respect or like him anywhere near as much.  Yet, until Mike gets over me, and even then it’s iffy, Rob’ll never want to be more to me than a friend because he’ll always be worried about hurting Mike.

Heh . .   So much for honesty being the best policy . . .

I’ve caused the undoubted breakup of one friendship, once AGAIN broken someone, and trapped myself in a situation where there’s no way to be happy.

::Tears fall::  Hey, look.  What do you know?  I can multi-task.  I can do/ruin all those things by just saying three stupid little words.  "I." "Like." And "you."

I wish I just had someone’s shoulder to cry on . . .  I wish I wasn’t as emotionally strong as I’ve made myself become.  Because maybe then, people would flock to me to give comfort.  People would ask me if I’m okay.  People would actually CARE when I’m hurting.

GODDAMNIT, IT’S CHRISTMASTIME AND I LIKE SOMEONE!!!!  THAT SHOULD BE A CAUSE FOR BEING HAPPY!!!!  NOT FOR SITTING ALONE AT ALMOST FIVE AM, CRYING MY EYES OUT!!!!!

I give up . . .  I seriously do.  I give up.  I’m done.  I’m through.  I’ve capitulated.  No one’s ever going to be able to just look at me and have any attraction because Mike’s always gonna be there in the background.

I give up . . .