What’s The Point?

Never Had
A
Dream Come True

Everybody’s got somethin’ they had to leave behind.
One regret from yesterday that just seems to grow with time.
There’s no use lookin back or wonderin’,
How it could or might have been,
Oh, this I know but still I can’t find ways to let you know.

chorus:
I never had a dream come true
‘Til the day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I’ve moved on
You’ll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You’re the one I think about each day.
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be with you.
Yeah.

Somewhere in my memory,
I’ve lost all sense of time.
And tomorrow could never be,
Cause yesterday is all that fills my mind
There’s no use looking back or wondering.(or wondering)
How it should’ve been now or might’ve been
Oh, this I know but still I can’t find ways to let you go.

chorus:
I never had a dream come true
‘Til the day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I’ve moved on
You’ll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say.
You’re the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to,
A part of me will always be…

You’ll always be the dream that fills my head.
Yes you will. Say you will. You know you will baby.
You’ll always be the one I know I’ll never forget.
There’s no use lookin’ back or wonderin’,
‘Cause love is a strange and funny thing.
No matter how I try and try,
I just can’t say goodbye.
No. No. No. No.

Chorus:
I never had a dream come true
‘Til the day that I found you.
Even though I pretend that I’ve moved on
You’ll always be my baby.
I never found the words to say
You’re the one I think about each day
And I know no matter where life takes me to
A part of me will always be…
A part of me will always be with you.

Damnit. I just had a good portion of what I was thinking written out and I pressed a wrong button or something and the damned thing deleted.

Yeah, I’m in a crappy mood. I swear, this depression comes over me like clockwork. It’s some kind of mental PMS, instead of the bloating, cramps, and other stuff that women always complain about, I think. In any case, it sucks.

You know what’s one thing that’s really pissing me off now? Mike supposedly had plans for a surprise party for me. He claims he’d thought of and started making plans for it last year. I say that that’s a load of bullsh*t. What he related to me that the party was supposed to entail looked like he’d basically said to himself, "Okay, crap. I didn’t get anything done in July, so what can I do to surprise her so she doesn’t think I just gave up on my plan?" The entire thing reeked of a "plan" thrown together in about a week and a half. Gee, any wonder why the entire thing fell apart?

And then there’s the fact that, if he did plan it so much in advance, why weren’t more people free? It hurts to know that the only people who would have been there were Mel, Mike, and me. And Shannon, for, like, an hour. I mean, I do get that Colleen was sick, I don’t blame her. But Denny didn’t even get off work, Bryan, God forbid he leave Colleen’s side for a single day!, and I don’t even know who else Mike thought to ask. Okay, I know he asked Mike Keller, but of course, that jackass won’t even make himself happy, so why should he help make someone else happy?

It’s just *so nice* to know that most of my "friends" can’t even come together to help throw me a party. No, maybe I haven’t been there for every one of theirs, but when they’ve been invited to parties of mine, I’ve tried to make sure that everyone had a good time. I tried to make food that everyone would enjoy, include games I knew everyone would want to play, etc.

Yeah, I know. I’m attacking people. Maybe not specific people, except for Mike, but I know I’m doing it. I’m in a sucky mood, and honestly, it’s my diary. I’m entitled.

Maybe I don’t deserve a good party? Or even a party, considering how things went.

I’m watching all the people who mean, or have meant, something important to me slip out of my life. And more often than not, the situation comes down to a choice. Me, or someone else. And I’m always on the losing side. I don’t care what Mike said, he chose Dan over me back during that whole mess. He can claim whatever else he wants to whoever else he wants, but the fact still stands. He let Dan take away the person he claimed to be the "love of his life." Because, yeah, I believe that Dan was trying to break us up. Well, you succeeded!!! Are you happy now??? He damn near broke me emotionally, broke me and Mike up, and never took one wit of fault for his actions, insisting they were "the right thing to do," and "what he had to do."

Andy meant something to me. Yet he disappeared from online and finally just altogether stopped answering my E-mails. Heh. I didn’t even have to meet him for him to stop talking to me. All we had to do was plan it, and Poof!, he’s out of my life months later.

Jason, yeah, let’s rehash this again. Heh. Right. He chose that psycho-bitch of a mother over me. He chose to let her remain as she is — abusive, controlling, and holding him as tight as she can under her thumb — rather than report that she is this way, and have something be done. Have her get therapy. Have her be the mother she should be. He doesn’t love her. If he did, he wouldn’t be condemning her to stay the way she is. Yet he is a coward. An incredibly big coward. And he’d rather have what peace and quiet he can, than fight against something that’s complet

ely unjust and illegal.

I’m seeing other people slipping away from me, as well, yet . . . I can’t muster up the will to care. Honestly, at this point, I’d rather be left alone. I’d rather just pass through life only having acquaintances, people who never mean more to me than, "Oh. They’re nice." Because if that’s all I think about them, then it doesn’t hurt so much when they leave. And if they re-enter, I don’t have to constantly wonder about them, or be on my guard, or live with the fact that I’m never gonna feel comfortable around them.

Maybe I blame Mike for more than I realized. Because he was my tie to every single person who drifted away during the entire thing with Dan. If he hadn’t been there, I could have gotten away. I could have forgotten, (okay, not forgotten,) about all those people, but I could have maybe moved on. I could have had new friends. Or perhaps just gone onto that acquaintance thing. Because nobody who reads this diary has any idea what I think. I pretend to write my thoughts in here, but I don’t. Not really. Not the ones that matter. Not the ones that would determine whether any of you stayed by my side, or decided to leave.

Sometimes I want to write out what I really think. What truly goes on in my mind. But I don’t dare. Because right now, the opposite of something Jason once told me is true. He told me, "Sure enemies are better than unsure friends." I’d said then that he was right and I’d rather be in a room with ten people who hated me, than one person who I wondered about. Yet . . . that’s not true anymore. I’d rather live with the fact that I’m not sure about any of you, than find out and be all alone. Even though alone is all I want to be right now. It’s a funny paradox, though I can’t seem to muster up a laugh . . .

My Nana is dead. It’s been a week and a day. Yet I’m still crying. I have the feeling I’ll be crying for the rest of my life over that. And while I do appreciate the notes of condolensces and everything, everyone who told me verbally that they were sorry to hear sounded so . . . forced. And I want to say insincere, yet that’s not entirely it. It was like . . . like they had to be formal when saying it. And not because they weren’t sure how I would react, but just because they were saying that. If that makes any sense.

I wish . . . someone could understand. And I mean actually understand. Not just say they do and then go on like nothing’s wrong with me. Because I know things are. It can’t be normal, even under the circumstances I’ve lived through, to feel like this. But I don’t think anyone does get it. That’s not to say that someone can’t. I do acknowledge that there have to be other people out there who have felt, or do feel, the way I do right now. Yet I can never seem to find any.

The more I lose, the more I turn inward. Yet, whereas for so many others, that can be such a dangerous thing, I don’t feel it is for me. I’m not suicidal; I don’t feel any need to take any anger out on others in some school-shooting-like manner; I don’t really hold it against other people that others are chosen over me. I just wish that one day, I could be chosen above someone . . .

Well, this is a portion of my mind. Who’s scared off, who’s angered, and who’s curious enough to try to delve deeper? Because I expect there’ll be a pretty equal portion of the three.

SolarEclipse

August 27, 2005

Finally! You needed to do this, write an entry filled with your true emotions. Emotions of anger, bitterness and brutual honesty. I always feel when reading your entries that you are holding back and sugarcoating things that you write so that you won’t piss the wrong person off. But this one is what you really wanted to say, and you should do that more often. You are entitled to announce when

people are pissing you off sometimes. You don’t always have to check your emotions. I think you are at a breaking point with bullshit from people. I honestly can say I know how you feel because I was at this point a few months ago. That’s why I don’t have as many friends as I did a few months ago, because I was honest and I cut the negative people out of my life. I’m not saying you should do that

but you should realize that friendship is a two way street and your friends should be putting in as much of an effort as you are. I know I am trying, I wish we could hang out more often, but alas, we are now adults in the working world who have debts to society to pay off. But I am thinking of you, and hoping everything is going okay for you. Reality is a weird thing, facing up to the fact that

everyone isn’t as caring, or as nice as you are. Not everyone goes out of thier way to plan and attend parties for their friends. But you are one of the rare people who deeply care about your friends and their happiness. Don’t let some bad experiences sour you from who you are. But it’s okay to be pissed off and angry and all the other emotions. You are not a doll, you are a person with feelings.

I’m probably going to be talking about this to you in person, but I kinda want to vindicate this here for the readers, too. For the party, I did indeed plan it about a year in advance. Can’t remember if it was more or less, but it was definitely the previous summer. The original plan was to have Dan bring you to Fun Time America for a big laser tag/ddr party. I’d try to get the whole game factory-

group, as well as Mel, Shannon, and Keller there, and since Dolly and Andy had had plans to come down the next summer, I was also hoping they would be able to attend. Truthfully, it was a nice plan that was also handy in that it was comparatively low maintenance. That was also important to me because I learned from Kate’s birthday parties that the more individual aspects you had in a party, the—

more things you have that can go wrong. Well, then some time later, Kate tells me that what she really wants is a surprise roller rink party. So I started shifting things to that. Seems that the idea is still the same, since many rinks also have a DDR machine present. Then I find out that Dan most likely has guard duty on the day I had in mind, so I had to switch who was going to be the one to—-

bring Kate to the rink from Dan to Shannon. All seemed well until June. I found out around then that Dolly wasn’t in fact coming. Andy was personna incognito for online purpose. I then tried asking Keller, and he said as he always does, “I’m not interested in parties, because I always feel left out and bored.” He stuck to it, unfortunately, though he said that he would be willing to be part of—-

planning, as he had been with previous parties such as when he drove me that one time, or when he gave me those Star Trek TCG cards that time. Unfortunately, what would be more suspicious than Michael Keller asking Kate to go roller skating. Answer that, people. So I told him it was okay, because all the bases were already covered. Then I kept having to bump back the date due to people not being–

available, or the date being taken by a different event. I had wanted to have it be on this one sunday in early August, for example, until I found out that it was the day of the Kareoke Competition that Kate was in. Then I finally found the date, and it had occurred to me that with everyone I had asked, somehow I had forgotten to ask Mel. And then the night before I was going to call, the night—

this occurred to me, that Mel and Kate had made plans to hang out that day. So things shifted again! And to top it off, her Nana passed away, which meant that we were now also grieving here, and rightfully so. Then the day before, when I was going to make the final arrangements such as the the cake and the meeting place, Colleen lets me know that she won’t be able to stay because she’s sick, I—-

had found out that Shannon had been called in to fill in for the autistic child she works with, Kate herself was feeling sick on top of everything else. The plan was awash. I didn’t find out until later that Denny had in fact been able to keep is highly mutable schedual clear that day, but still it would for the most part have been a grand ol’ party of Mel, Denny, and me, with visits from Shannon-

all having a nice party in HONOR of Kate’s birthday, with Kate herself not even being there. It had all seemed so simple to plan out, but everything went entirely to pieces on me. It wasn’t just all thrown together because of me forgetting or putting it off, but it was a simple plan that just went all to shreds on me, and Kate had told me that she understood and that it was okay. I guess not.