You Know, Here’s An Interesting Thought . . .

It’s been awhile since I wrote an entry with anything in it involving Jason.

This is something I came to a conclusion on a couple of days ago.  You see, back when I would still take my little ‘forbidden trips’ up to see Jason at Kean, feelings obviously got involved, we ended up kissing and all that, (and once getting interrupted by the Hokey Pokey!)  But through all that, he told me he only saw me as a friend.  Or later, that he was confused and didn’t know what he wanted, or what he saw me as.

Here’s my conclusion.  I don’t think he was telling me the truth at the end.  I think he knew exactly how he felt about me.  I’m not gonna say that I think he was in love with me because, honestly, I really don’t know.  I don’t really want to answer myself, either.  But he knew.  I’m quite sure of that.  He’s a very good smoke in the mirrors magician, but they’re nothing more than illusions.  And he knows exactly what he wants to keep hidden.  And from who.

I’ve made some guesses on why he never told me anything for sure.  The main one is that he knew something like what happened in October would eventually come.  And despite my claims, I was emotionally attached to him.  That’s why not seeing him for that summer hurt so much.  That’s why I went up there in September.  That and I needed to know why he’d done what he did.  And emotional attachment was why knowing that I couldn’t see him anymore, not until he’s out from that bitch’s thumb, hurt so much.

I think that he didn’t want to tell me anything definite because he knew if he did, if he actually felt love for me and said, "I love you," that I would hold on.  That I’d hope and pray and wait for the day when he would come back to me.  When he’d contact me and we could, (potentially, at least,) be together.

I think he didn’t tell me anything definite because he didn’t want me to have false hope.  I can’t help but wonder if he was, in his own way, sacrificing himself for the one person who never gave up on him.  The one person who put everything in her on the line for him.  The one who drove through rain and tears to find out what was up with her best friend and to receive comfort from him.

Basically, sacrificing himself, in a way, so that I could move on in life and forget about him.

If I’m right, his idea has one flaw . . .

As if I’d ever forget about him . . .