Feeding The Fire

Mike thinks all I may have succeeded in doing by sending that letter is giving Mike Keller more fodder against me.  He said that I *may* get an apology — laced with sarcasm and "I told you so’s."  And that he might use what I said about liking him against me.  I’m not sure how, considering it’s not like he sees me on any regular basis and never makes an effort to contact me, though.

I don’t regret sending that letter, though, regardless of what Mike said.  Even if his guess is true of what Mike Keller’s reaction could be, I can deal with it.  It’s not like I’ve never been laughed at before by the guy I like.  Or had something used against me.  Or been told "I told you so," or some crap like that.

Honestly, if he truly does give a reaction as bad as what Mike seems to be expecting, then it’ll just help me in the long run.  See, I honestly don’t know at ths point if that stupid crush on him has gone away yet, or if it’s stubbornly sticking around.  I don’t know.  Everythig Sunday night threw me for a loop.  Though it’s just as well that it happened.  I can’t go on liking someone who doesn’t exist.

I suppose what it all boils down to is this:  I don’t regret writing and sending that letter, because whatever his reaction, I had to do it for me.  And, as I was so fond of saying my junior year, "I’d rather be hurt by a jerk than miss out on knowing a great guy."

I’ve given Mike Keller a chance.  The chance to truly learn who I am.  The chance to truly get to know me — no masks, no hiding, nothing.  I’ve never been one hundred percent me with anyne before.  I came to that realization not too long ago.  I fake it in front of everyone to some degree or another because I honestly do not think I’ll be accepted as me if I didn’t.

Gah . . .  Yet I give the most critical, arrogant, sarcastic person I’ve ever met the opportunity to know who I am.

Then again, I honestly don’t believe he’ll take that opportunity, so as far as I know, I’m safe.

::Sighs::  I don’t know.  I find it sad that the last two people I’ve fallen for to any degree have been Jason, (and all that his name entails,) and Mike Keller, of all people.

Honestly, I want to know who it was who liked him that he was able to use it against them.  I know there are ways, but still.  That was when they were in high school.  You see other people every day in high school.  There’s no way he could use this against me.  Not unless he went out of his way and I honestly don’t think he cares enough to do so.  I think he’s one of those "empty shell" people that the one character in Under the Tuscan Sun talked about.  You know, someone standing at a crossroad in their life, and they can go left or right.  And people that see them later in life wonder "What the Hell happened to you?"

Cuz that’s what I wonder about him.  I mean, I wonder what he would say if I asked him if he believed in unicorns.  Or elves.  Or fairies.  Or mermaids.  I mean, those are the things our childhoods are made of.  Disney films, Don Bluth stuff, stuffed animals, talking horses, humans with wings!  Where did any and all of that suspended belief go in him?  Did he ever have any in the first place?  I thoroughly understad Kathryn’s ine in Tuscan Sun, because Mike keller thoroughly personifies why it’s important.  She said to never lose that childhood innocence.

I know I never will.  But I’ll never stop wondering why other people let it slip away.