Will I Ever . . . ?

This Kiss
By Faith Hill

I don’t want another heartbreak
I don’t need another turn to cry
I don’t want to learn the hard way
Baby hello, oh no, goodbye
But you got me like a rocket
Shooting straight across the sky…

It’s the way you love me
It’s a feeling like this–
It’s centrifical motion
It’s pertpetual bliss.
It’s that pivotal moment
It’s impossible
This kiss, this kiss
(Unstoppable)
This kiss, this kiss

Cinderella said to Snow White
How does love get so off course?
All I wanted was a white knight
With a good heart, soft touch, fast horse.
Ride me off into the sunset
Baby, I’m forever yours

It’s the way you love me
It’s a feeling like this–
It’s centrifical motion
It’s perpetual bliss.
It’s that pivotal moment
It’s unthinkable
This kiss, this kKss
(Unsinkable)
This kiss this kiss

You can kiss me in the moonlight
On the rooftop under the sky
You can kiss me with the windows open
While the rain comes pouring inside
Kiss me in sweet slow motion
Let’s let every thing slide
You got me floating, You got me flying

It’s the way you love me
It’s a feeling like this–
It’s centrifical motion
It’s perpetual bliss.
It’s that pivotal moment
It’s subliminal
This kiss, this kiss
(It’s Criminal)
This kiss, this kiss

My Mood:   — Contemplative

What if I never find someone I can love?

Yeah, that’s my big question of the day.  Or night, rather.  I have virtually no faith in relationships anymore.  I look around at the different couples I know and find myself predicting when they’ll break up.  Two different ones, I’ve given a time limit of about a year and a half or earlier and I won’t be surprisd in the least when/if I find out it comes true.

What happened to me?  Where did that girl who believed in fairy tales go?  How did I stop believing in what Disney promised every little girl as they grew up?  When did the idea of ‘happily ever after” disappear?

It probably truly left when I realized that all three relationships I’ve been in were majorly dysfunctional.  I mean, Will, I was in such denial of . . . everything.  He controlled me much like a puppet on strings.  Mike, his two folded “yes, you’re right,” but then defending his family to the death truly was to the death — of our relationship.  Not to mention my parts in it.  Jason . . . the more I think about it, the more I was a puppet for him, as well.

And I don’t even both to have more than fleeting thoughts about any guys nowadays.  Nothing more than, ‘oh, he’s cute,’ enters my mind.  Partially because I know that if those five seconds or less that I saw Jason on the first can do that to me, then I’m not over him, and partially because what’s the point?  It’s not like said guy would be interested in me.

Yeah, I’ve got great self-esteem, here . . .

Oddly enough, though, it’s not a matter of self-esteem.  I honestly wonder why any guy would be interested in me.  I mean, I look in the mirror and I don’t see anything special.  I know I’ve got good traits.  I know I am a worthwhile person.  I try to be a good friend.  I keep promises that I make.  I care about the ones close to me.

But so many times, it seems like that’s never enough, or like it doesn’t matter.  And for so many, it doesn’t.  I wish that everyone could wear a sign around their neck that says, “Nice person!” or “Don’t come near me! I’ll screw you over!”  Or just some generalizing line about their personality.  I wonder what mine would say in that case . . .

I don’t know why I start thinking about stuff like this.  I don’t want to think dreary thoughts.  I don’t want to be depressed.  But in a world where I’ve believed for as long as I can remember that everyone has a soul mate, I’ve become disillusioned.  Severely.  Heh, become.  I’m talking like this is a recent thing.

I guess this hasn’t been just since I realized that fact about my beyond friends relationships with guys.  It’s been for longer than that.  I just . . . I wish I could find that true love.  That one person I want to spend my life with.

It’s odd, though.  I don’t even know if I’m ready to.  It’s not only that I don’t want to be hurt and don’t think I’ll find someone.  It’s that I don’t know if I’m up to the challenge of being in such a long-term relationship.  I don’t know if I have it in me to be in something “for better or worse” and all that.

I remember, Dolly once told me that she saw herself as the stay at home mom, with a husband and a house full of kids and me being the world traveler, having exciting adventures, and breaking a string of hearts along the way.  I always wondered, and still wonder, what the heck she was talking about.  She’s the one who’s had so many boyfriends, she’s the one who guys always came to and were atracted to.  Even now, that’d be true.  Almost any guy would go to her before me in an instant.  Heck, every guy has . . .

I see that she’s getting into her half of that prophecy, but I don’t think I’ll ever fit into my half.  A) I’m not the world traveling type.  B) Exciting adventures?  Yeah, right.  More like confusing, heart wrenching ones . . .  And C) The only heart that ever seems to get broken is mine.

::Sighs::  I suppose the original message from that one Little Golden Book was right.  You can fix everything, except a broken heart.