Devil’s Advocate
Well last night was . . . interesting . . .
Okay, first I just have to say, Andy, what the heck were you doing???
As far as I can tell, and I’d appreciate it if he’d tell me if I’m wrong on any of this, he and I were talking last night and we inevitably came upon the subject of Jason. Well, I was saying how I missd him and all of that. And I was already distraught enough in my own right because of my conversation with Jess. It brought back some memories, and a good deal of anger that, while I’m over it, thinking about it does piss me off. And Andy knows a bit about that conversation, yet when it came around to us talking about Jason, he’s asking me why I don’t go support Jason, or do this, or do that, or whatever. And at one point, I realized, “Wait a minute, you’re pulling reverse psychology on me here, trying to get me to realize my own position.”
He was basically playing Devil’s advocate with me to get me to either defend my position, or abandon it. He called it “being my friend” when I asked if he was doing the Devil’s advocate thing, but you know what? It’s really not. I already KNOW I’m doing the right thing, not talking to Jason, not seeing him when I have to hide, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him. That doesn’t mean that I don’t feel like I’ve lost him. That doesn’t mean that I need someone getting in my face about either defending a position I already know is right, or abandoning it for more hiding games because Jason’s too ashamed to face up to the fact that he and I are friends.
I know that I shouldn’t just sit and whine about the fact that I’m depressed over things with Jason, but in reality, what else can I do? I’m not the kind of person who just gets over things. It takes time for me, if I ever truly get over them at all. I need time to be depressed, to be sad, to be mopey, and to talk about it, and be reassured that, “No, it won’t happen with other people,” even though no one can truly know that.
What I don’t need is someone pulling devil’s advocate, or reverse psychology or whatever on me, in an attempt to make me defend a position I already knew I had to take. That’s not being a friend, that’s purposely torturing a person because it reminds them of exactly how helpless the situation was in the first palce for them to have to make the decision they’re being forced to defend.
I’m not so much angy as I am trying to describe the situation. It frustrates me, but only a little. It’s more a case of, “You know what? Don’t pull Devil’s Advocate with someone who constantly second guesses herself, and would love an excuse to go see Jaosn because of exactly how much I miss him, and want to feel his arms around me!”
Yeah. It kills me. Yeah. I hate it. Yeah, I wish that I could just go over to his house right now and hang ou with him. Yeah, I wish that he’d open his eyes and realize that all his parents did was lay bait in front of him back in April. “Oh, you’ll get to hang out with her again.” And as soon as he was back in that house, BAM! ultimatum of either me or them. I mean, how obvious does a piece of bait have to be, before someone realizes that that’s what they took?
::Sighs:: After talking to him at Target to make sure he was okay, I do have the feeling he’s waiting in the wings. But . . . my question is this: once he no longer has to hide in the wings, will he come onto the stage? Because I’m determined to stay in the spotlight.
But damn I miss those egg rolls . . .