Those Bad “D” Words . . .

Doubt, depression, and despair.

::Sighs::  Mike went to a card tournament with Mike Keller today.  He was telling me about their conversations on the way back, and . . .

I’ve fallen for a ghost.  But it’s a living ghost.  Because the person I think he is, is there.  Just . . . not for me.  I couldn’t have a conversation with him like the ones Mike told me about.  He doesn’t see me as an intellectual equal.  I’m not even sure he sees me as intellectual.

And I know, I should probably be insulted by that.  But, I’m not.  It’s odd.  I guess I’m not because I’ve never really been in a situation with him where I can show him how smart I can truly be.  Every time I see him, it’s in a setting of games, and strategy.  And those are two things I’m no expert at.  Not by a long shot.  I’m passable at Magic, I more like go-with-the-flow of strategy board games, I can play chess with at least some skill, but I doubt enough for him to even consider me a challenge . . .  All in all, these are games, or areas where I’m severely lacking in knowledge and edge.  Which means I’m insecure, which means that he’s not seeing my intelligence because I’m too afraid of screwing up.

::Sighs::  I’m jealous of two completely different people for two very similar reasons.  Mike, because of how he can talk to Mike Keller, and seems to be seen by Mike Keller, and the girl that Ryan’s interested in.  I’m jealous o the girl that Ryan likes because, well, a) he likes her.  But b) he talks to her, and about her in a way that I always wished he’d talk about me.  She has a place in his heart that I dreamed of holding for two solid years.  And though that love for him has basically turned into a friendship love for him, and just a general want to see him happy, there are still embers burning in acorner of my heart.

I’m jealous of them both because they can talk to these two different people in a way I can never seem to be able to.

Oh, well . . .

Maybe one day, at least in Mike Keller’s case, I’ll be able to.  I don’t know.  Who knows what the future holds?  I can’t give up hope.  Not when I actually have made progress, even if it’s nowhere near the progress that I wish it was by now.