Frodo, Sam, And Gollum (And A Pic Of Pippin)

“I don’t want to be in a battle.  But waiting on the edge of one I can’t escape is even worse.”

You know, you’d think that when Mike says, “Yeah, we’re picking up my paycheck and will be back soon,” that I wouldn’t be able to watch Fellowship and almost all of Two Towers before they get back.

Hey, whaddaya know?  They got back before Two Towers ended.

::Sighs::  How many situations are there of Frodo, Sam, and Gollum?  One, beyond all salvation.  One, hoping that salvation isn’t beyond his reach for himself and for one particular other.  And one, just wanting to show truth, and be a guide.

Frodo said it himself.  He has to believe that Gollum can be brought back.  He has to believe that he could help Gollum become Smeagol again and not be this pitiable creature that he’s been for the last five hundred years.

Yet when it all came down to it, what Gollum saw as “Master’s betrayal” was both their undoings.  It meant that Gollum no longer trusted Frodo, though Frodo didn’t see that until Shelob’s lair, and it meant that Gollum had damned himself because he didn’t want to come back.  All he wanted was “the precious.”  And he didn’t care what the cost was to get it back.

I’ve thought on things with Jason lately.  Though I do miss him, I’m glad that I ended things.  I’m also glad that I haven’t reduced myself to asking other people about if they see him or things like that.  I saw Cheryl, the girlfriend of a friend of his, (that for now, at least, he’s allowed to see,) and though yeah, we talked a bit about him, I didn’t ask her to tell him I missed him.  I didn’t ask her to tell him to check out my diary.  I’m not going to beg.  He knows where it is, and he comes online enough, or used to anyway, to be able to check things out.  It wouldn;t take much for him to let me know that he read this.  Or that he’s waiting in the wings.  Or something like that.

::Sighs::  Something tells me, thiough, that this time, he’s not.  He’s not waiting in the wings, he’s not hiding in the shadows for one day when he can re-emerge into my life.  The only reason he was doing that in high school was because there were still far too many issues that didn’t have closure, for not just me, but for him.  And I’m beginning to think he didn’t so much care that I didn’t have closure.  He needed it for himself.  Because he didn’t have any where I was concerned, or where Dolly was concerned.

I don’t know if I can say that I’m glad he’s out of my life.  But I’m more than happy to say that the complications that inevitably arouse because of his hiding are out of my life.  Secret friendships have been a part of me since I was four years old.  It started with James.  We kept our friendship secret, (though how secret I’m not sure,) for nine years.  It was just understood.  We didn’t talk in school, because it woul bring him grief from the other kids.  And because I loved him, or thought I did, I went along with that, because I never wanted to cause him harm.

I did the same thing with Jason, for three years.  God, I’ve wasted twelve years of my life on secret friendships!!!  What the Hell is wrong with me???  I didn’t want to cause any major rifts with Jason, or put any pressure on him to do the right thing and to report his mom because as he freakin’ admitted to me, she is an emotionally abusive person in need of therapy, so instead, I happily sat back and did the foolish thing.  Got myself into another secret friendship!  Those relationships aren’t healthy in any case, especially not in mine.  I should know that by now!  I should have known it with James.  I should have realized it back then, and said “You know what?  Screw this!” when Jason came along the second time.  In some ways, I’m glad I didn’t, though.  Because let’s face it.  Dolly and I did need that final break.  And then I did need to be goaded into talking to her again.  And both of those things were caused by Jason.

But I don’t need the secret friendship.  I don’t need the frustration of hiding.  Of never knowing who I can mention the fact that I was friends with him around.  Of not knowing when I’d see him, or when he would contact me.  Of knowing that I had no way to contact him.  I don’t need the knowledge that I’m a 22 year old who’s hiding from someone else’s mom because he can’t stand up and say that he’s 21 and should be able to choose his own friends, regardless of whether his parents agree with who those friends are.

::Sighs::  I do wish he’d prove me wrong and actually note me or something of the like.  But I have a feeling that October 5th, 2004 was the last time I’m ever going to see him.  I don’t want it to be that way, but I also won’t accept a secret friendship any longer.  A secret friendship is no true friendship.  Friendship comes with responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is being able to own up to others about who your friends are.  If a person can’t do that, then what does that say about them?  What does it say about their value of friendship?