Letter To Melanie

Melanie,

I wonder how many entries of ours are letters to one another?  Maybe we should take a tally one day.  Lol.

Okay, onto the serious stuff.  I’m actually not dissatisfied or unhappy or anything with anything between us.  You are right, that it only hurts me when I don’t speak up, which is why I decided to post the IM I had last night.  I got it out to someone who was totally neutral because she doesn’t know any of us, (she and I haven’t even met in person yet,) and once I realized I’d done that I decided to post it.

I don’t expect you to apologize for being any type of friend with Jill.  I wouldn’t expect you to, and I wouldn’t want you to.  I in no way meant to imply that you were doing something wrong, because we both know you’re not.  And I also know that there’s a good chance you’d have met in spite of seeing one another’s notes on my diary.  Yes, it hurts me that I read about the two of you hanging out, but that’s more on her front than yours.  Like I said in my last entry, she didn’t have the respect or consideration to tell me that she felt things had been going down since September, she blocked me, and then creates a favorites only diary.  It was just the aggrivation and outsider-ness I felt at looking at your favorites list one day and seeing that there was a new diary of hers that I was excluded from, and you weren’t.  And I don’t mean it to sound as if it’s some kind of competition between us of who’s included or not.  It’s not.  But that just hurt to see.  If it was anyone’s favorites list, or anyone’s entry about hanging out, it would hurt, because it just feels to me like a slap in the face of “she’s excluding you now.”  That’s not your fault, and I don’t want to imply that you should censor your entries.  That’s not it at all.  Like I said, it’s more on her front than yours.  You didn’t cause any of this between us her and me.

I am hurt that it would cross your mind that I thought you were laughing behind my back, though even as I type this, I can see why it would occur to you.  I’m paranoid like that.  But no, just like you told me that you didn’t want me to insult Dan to you a while back, I think that you would tell someone else not to insult me to you if they started to.  And I do know that unless she starts talking about it, things with Jill will stay between myself and her.  That’s why except for the last entry, I really haven’t written anything about her on here.  I don’t want it aired in public, because it simply doesn’t need to be.

I don’t want to or mean to penalize others for me not having people I’m close to.  I didn’t want to imply that it was anyone’s fault.  That’s just how I feel.  That I don’t really have close friends.  I have people I talk to online.  That’s really it right now.

You’re my friend as well.  And I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you writing this entry, because it’s things like that that show me that I do have people around.  It’s entries like that that keep me in line, and keep me from going too far off into an isolation of my own making, whether it’s based in truth, or completely in my mind.  (Lol.  Don’t worry, Kenny’s all yours, and what can I lie to you about?  ::You know, I honestly can’t think of anything::  And even if I could, I wouldn’t.  We breeched a gap in our friendship once.  I don’t want to have to go through having to do it again because of something that was entirely my own making.)  And I know stuff happens.  Life happens.  And within life, I’m bound to feel left out.  It’s just . . . I keep getting left out seemingly.  And there are times when I just need to vent about it.  That’s all the last entry was.  Venting and complaining.

I could never resent someone and not show it in some way, shape, or form.  That’s just not who I am.  So, if something ever did happen where I resented something you did, or said, or whatever, somehow, you’d know it.  Oddly enough, I didn’t have you in mind for the last entry at all.  At least, not in a negative light.  If I had, you would have been mentioned by name, instead of just feeling a vibe off the entry.

You know, there is one thing I can say, though.  It’s not a bad thing.  It’s just a thing.  Stop telling me that you’ve always been honest with me, okay?  Well, you don’t have to stop, but don’t mention it ever time you write an entry like that.  It’s like you’re trying to convince me of it, or you think I’m automatically going to be insulted by what you say, therefore, you have to remind me that honesty is a part of you.  I know it is.  And while I may be insulted by things that you say while you’re being honest, that’s okay.  That’s my emotion to deal with, because all you’re doing is saying the truth as you see it.  I know that honesty and opinionated stubborness and speaking your mind are parts of you.  That’s why I consider you such a good friend.  Because you will speak your mind, and remain honest, and stick to your opinions with your friends as well as not friends.  Believe me, it isn’t something I need to be reminded of.  I remind myself of it enough when I post entries like this one, and the last one.

Okay, that’s about all I can say here.  Write back, or note, okay?

Bye. 🙂 🙂 🙂

Kate.