“Keep It Secret. Keep It Safe.”

Pippin’s Song
From:
Return Of The King

Home is behind
the world ahead.
And there are many
paths to tread.
Through shadow,
to the edge of night.
Until the stars are all alit,
mist and shadow,
cloud and shade . . .
All shall fade . . .
All shall . . .
Fade.

Yeah, guess what I’m watching on Channel Eleven?  Lol.

::Sighs::  As much as I love this movie, I can’t help feeling depressed.  I’ve had writer’s block as far as this diary goes for quite a few days now.  Oh, I know what I want to say, it’s just that it involved other people, my feelings towards them, etc., and as much as I do try to write without caring what others think, the fact remains, I do.  I don’t want to hurt anyone else.  I know it’s inevitable at times, but . . .

There are so many things I want to rant on, or feel hurt on, or something of that nature, but I know I’m holding myself back.  I’d hate to think of the notes I’d get if I really let lose.  I mean, I’ve often contemplated just posting my entire off-line typed journal on here, inserting the entries in at the correct times.  Though not only are most of the conflicts or whatever that I wrote on long past, but I know poeple would be hurt or angered by what I wrote then.

I don’t have a lot of friends.  I don’t even feel I have any close friends.  I have people I talk to online, and then one or two that I’ll see in person once in awhile.  And then there’s Mike.  Who’s just always there.  Who I’m sick of always being there.

I’m sick of a lot of things, externally and internally.  I know who I am, and have known for a bit now, but I also know who I don’t want to be, and who I don’t like being.  Yet, there are times I can’t seem to help being that person I don’t like and don’t want to be.  I see so many of my mom’s habits and things seeping in, becoming part of my behavior.  Having been part of my behavior.

Where do I fit in in a group?  I mean, even when I want to fit in, I don’t . . .

Okay, I was just IMing someone else about stuff.  I’m posting it here.  Nasty notes, thoughtful notes, supportive notes, I don’t care.  I just feel better having gotten this stuff out.

My IM with Angela:

Okay…
Okay, one of the little things was when I went to this Halloween party a friend of mine threw on the 30th.  I just felt . . . left out.  Especially after this one guy, the brother of my ex showed up.  He and I haven’t gotten along in about three years, and he’s a good deal of the reason I broke up with my ex in the first place.

His name’s Dan, btw.  The one I don’t get along with.  My ex is named Mike.  And Dan got to the party right in the middle of this game we were playing, where Mike and I were on one team, and the other three people were on the other.  (Yeah, very small party.)  But as soon as Dan got there, Mike went over, and was talking to him, yet the game was still on.  And I’m standing there, thinking, ‘Oh, yeah, thanks.  Just leave me alone over here to solve this myself…’ 

 The gam took place over two different yards, and we were at the second yard when Dan showed up.  I actually left by myself and went back to the first yard, wondering why I was even at the party if I’m just gonna be ignored, and I was feeling like nothing was going the way I’d hoped.  Because without even talking to me, Mike at one point went over to the other team, and said should they call this a draw, and could we compare the things we’d collected?  (It’s a game of something of a scavenger hunt, where we solve these word puzzles based on these things we find around the yard.  Or yards, in her case.) 

 Well, I’m standing there listening, thinking, “Yeah, nice that you ask me about this.  You know, maybe I’m not ready to give up?!”  And one girl named Shannon is saying stuff about, “No, we’re not done looking.  If you want to give up and acknowledge our superior knowledge, go ahead,” and stuff like that.  And that just bugs the Hell outta me, because “superior knowledge?”  I mean, please!

Yeah, logically, I know, she’s more than likely joking, but I’ve been made to feel inferior enough throughout my life, I don’t need someone who’s supposed to be a friend of mine, sitting there, claiming to have “superior” whatever over me.

Then, there’s this other girl I know named Jill.  She has a boyfriend, someone I actually went to school with and was semi-friends with back then.  Well, she’s been having different conflicts with him for months, and I’ve tried to offer advice of what she could do, because frankly, she reminded me of me about a year and a half ago.  I was in some of the worst shape of my life back then, and I don’t want to see someone else go through that.

But, for whatever reason, that she apparently didn’t feel the need to tell me, she saw our friendship as “going down” since this one thing happened in September, she blocked my screen name on IM, (I have more than one screen name, so that’s how I found out that,) and she ended the one diary she had on OD, and now has another, favorites only diary.  I mean, it just hurts that she a) didn’t have enough respect for me to tell me that she felt there was still any kind of rift between us, b) blocked me, and c) claimed on her first diary that she was ending that one, and leaving OD, and then makes up a favorites only one.  I mean, what the Hell is wrong with not wanting someone to go through the same kind of emotional Hell that I did?  What the Hell is wrong with giving someone advice, and telling them to have a backbone?  Why is it apparently wrong for someone to not agree with everything every one of their friends does?

I went through an emotional crisis for about a day, because this was the same sort of thing tht started with Dan.  The seperation of us, and then all my other friends drifted off, or I had arguments with them, or whatever, and I could almost see it starting again, because I introduced Jill to another friend of mine from OD, and already I can see that they’re better friends than I am, were, or could be, with either of them.

And I hate that.  I hate having friends, introducing them to other friends of mine, and then they get tight, and I’m left out.

Well, I can say it’s scary how similar we are. Unfortunately, I think that the friend who blocked you etc just has some maturing to do. the most beutiful discovery friends can make is realising that you can grow separately without growing apart. If I were you I would steel up my courage and just talk to her about it. and no matter what she says or does just remain very very calm and collected. And I also think that when others drift away from you that means it’s your cue to step up to the plate and reach out and find some new friends. (I know that makes

me a total hypocrate but  -_-  😉

I don’t have much of a chance to talk to her in person, but I’m trying to figure out how to E-mail her without basically doing a no-holds-barred burning of that bridge.  The thing is… I don’t want these people to drift away.  Some of them have been my friends since my sophomore year of high school.  Maybe we were never that close, but…
Plus, it’s hard to meet new people when out of high school.  I mean, I’ll see people now, but usually only once or twice.

That’s where the effort really comes in. and if you don’t want to loose these people then you just have to do your best. if that doesn’t work then there is nothing more you could have done anyway. Go out of your way to see them and talk and stuff. u kno?

Yeah…  But that’s the other unfortunate thing.  Most of the time, I only can talk to these people online.  One goes to college and has an apartment down in Southern New Jersey, near Atlantic City.  And when I ask if they’ll be home whenever, either they give me this noncommital answer, or they already have plans.

Well, again, you put in your absolute best, strongest effort. if that doesn’t work then there really is nothing left to do. Have you told any of these people what you’re feeling

Indirectly, at best.  Two things stop me from anymore than that.  1) I don’t feel close enough to them to tell them.  (Yes, I’m aware of the paradox in that.)  And 2) I don’t really feel any of them would necessarily understand.  Or, they’d turn it on me, and ask why I’m not trying hard enough.

If ‘2.)’ then you need to point out to themn that you’ve made your very best effort and that you need them to give back. And about number 1.): then maybe you just gotta work harder and harder at getting to know them better (blech. I’m talking in circles)